They say anything is a dildo if you’re brave enough, and apparently 2020 housed a lot of courageous people.

It was most certainly a year of boredom, and subsequently – with limitations – sexual exploration. Being horny and locked up in our houses led many to begin their venture into OnlyFans, while others sought to replace dick altogether… with objects from within their own home!

A list from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits details just how adventurous they dared to be last year… And, yes, it’s just as horrific as you expected.

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The quotes come in their original context and you can just picture the nurses writing these on the forms.

PENIS

OK, firstly, why would you wanna put anything down there?! I mean, each to their own, but anyone who’s had the old-school urethra check-ups will know it’s mostly just pain… Certainly doesn’t seem as fun as just balancing things on it.

Stylus Pen (“Playing with phone and fell asleep when he woke up his stylus was in his urethra. Injury occurred 4 days ago and didn’t seek medical treatment”)
Tongue piercing
Balloon
String of magnetic beads
Pen
Pencil
Paintbrush
Metal screw in his urethra to cause an erection.
Wire hanger
Lanyard
“Has had a marble in his penis for the past 4 years and decided he needs it removed”
Glue

ASS

It’s definitely more common for people to get things stuck in their butt than their bellend, but why some people would shove a ca of Lynx up their arse because they thought they were constipated is beyond us…

Bouncy ball
Multiple marbles
Toothbrush holder
Crayon
“PUT A PENCIL UP RECTUM AND NOW NOT ABLE TO SIT”
Nail polish bottle
Shaving gel bottle
Aerosol container (“Patient reports inserting deodorant spray can inside his rectum last night because he was constipated”).
Shampoo bottle (“Placed there because he thought he was constipated”).
Small foam ball
Stick
Screwdriver (handle fell off)
“Was intoxicated and is uncertain if she used her anal beads or not, can’t find them at home… none found in her exam”.
Pipe
Vibrator ring (“Stuck in rectum, vibrator still on).
Dildo (5, 6, 7 and 10 inch)
Apple
Toy shark
Plastic turtle
Cat toy bell
Baseball
Newspaper
Cologne bottle
Baby oil bottle
Hand lotion bottle (“Was squatting in the shower when he got a small bottle stuck in his rectum”).
Remote control
Fork
Water bottle
Light bulb (“3 weeks ago he was drunk and put a light bulb up his rectum”).
POOPAROOS TOY
Weeble Wobble toy
Writing pen and bottle cap
Foam dart
6 Magic markers
Christmas lights
“Put dildo into rectum 2 days ago and was performing daily activities with it in place. When riding lawn mower the dildo slid inside rectum completely”.

See the full of list of orifices where people got things stuck.