People can post a thousand thirst-traps, even start an OnlyFans and still feel shy when it comes to be totally naked in public. There are no-set good angles, no validating responses, and people openly looking at your equipment.

It’s strange to think that with my personal desire for new experiences and open-approach to sex that I’d never been to one before, but the opportunity had never really presented itself. Now, it was presenting like a hungry power bottom.

The short-version of the story goes: Croatia in the middle of a pandemic isn’t swimming with dick. You could maybe paddle in a puddle of odd-looking closet cases, but that’s about all.

So in search of said dick, or the very least someone who knew what Drag Race was, I caught a boat to Lokrum island, where the nude beach gathers the gays. HA. Hardly.

Hear the full tea-spilling on this week’s Cocktails & Confessions:

Research the beach

Different beaches attract different crowds (although most of them do present a mix of men), and get busy on different days. And don’t take the word ‘beach’ for granted; I arrived at Lokrum ready to sink some cocktails on a sun lounger and I left with a face full of clown make-up.

There was no bar. No sun loungers. And no sand. To be more precise, it was a cliff with half a dozen exposed pensioners. (But as mentioned, all beaches are different).

Go with someone

If you’re someone that’s daunted by being naked in public; there’s safety in numbers! You might not feel comfortable enough to be naked in front of your friends, or you might be travelling alone, like I was. Going with a local is good because they know the do’s/dont’s, and general vibe. It’s like having a tour guide who might teabag you later!

But leave with whoever!

The nude beach is a tricky playing field to navigate when it comes to social etiquette; because it would be totally rude to leave a date with the waiter, but the difference is this man’s not buying you dinner.

So at the risk of sounding like a shameless Samantha, once you feel comfortable enough to explore/cruise on your own – go for it. Just because a guy got you naked doesn’t mean you have to sleep with him.

So go with the right somebody

My ‘tour guide’ may have known the quickest way to get there, but he also knew how to bore the shit out of me. So if you wanna destroy cocks in the dunes, go with someone fun. If you wanna read books and talk about homemade jewellery, I know someone.

Otherwise you’re just sat on rock with your knob out wondering when the tsunami is due.

Don’t expect hooking-up

While some gay/nude beaches are far more liberal than others, that doesn’t mean that sexual activity is always on the agenda. There is a designated cruising spot on Lokrum, but it was deader than my tour guide’s conversation.

Be socialable

Believe it or not, it can actually be easier to strike up a conversation with people without clothes; because there’s no armour to hide behind. It’s a bit like Naked Attraction, but without everyone in England watching.

Pack the Essentials

Obviously, by essentials, I mean as much alcohol as you can carry. Not that I condone booze replacing natural confidence, but until they package that and sell it at Sainsbury’s, I don’t not-condone it.

On my expedition, I packed four mini vodka bottles and three beers… meanwhile, the guy who took me brought fruit. I don’t know about you, but that wasn’t the kind of banana I was expecting.

The two most common ‘nude beach fails’ according to my relatively-limited research conducted via Instagram, involves sunburn and insects. So unless you want a burnt sausage covered in bites, take sunscreen, and repellent.

Love your body

While the nude beach can be terrifying for people with even the slightest body issues, accepting your (amazing, powerful) body will help. Focus on parts of your body that you like, and remember that all body types are welcome – as you’ll likely see! See more tips on loving your naked body.

Follow Anthony Gilét on Instagram, (he’s banned from Twitter).