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Fagony Aunt: My Husband Used to Bang his Gay Best Friend, Should I Be Mad?

My husband and I have been married for just more than eight months. We recently took a weekend trip with a group of college friends for another wedding. After one too many drinks, a friend began to reminisce about how my husband and his best friend would get drunk and have regular sexual encounters—both during and for years after college.

Up until this point, I had absolutely no idea about this; everyone else in the group seemed to know except for me. In fact, another friend asked, “How did you not know?” When I asked Matt about it, he confirmed and said that he can’t remember exactly when it ended.

Do I have the right to be upset that my husband chose to keep this from his me, his wife? We have an extremely open and honest relationship. I have told him about all of my past relationships. I always thought I could expect the same. Does he not trust me? I am now wondering what else he is hiding from me and exactly “when” this sexual relationship stopped, or dare I say, if it has stopped at all.

Dear Mad,

In a word: yes. Yes, you have the right to be mad; bitch, my wig done a 360 just reading that. Forget the marshmallows, I’d have had both they asses roasting on that open fire.

First of all, the primary issue isn’t that he was a sausage sampler, it would be just as infuriating if he’d been hooking up with another woman, who is also still part of the friendship circle. The fact you say they’re “best friends” is weird as FUCK. Who puts their dick in their best friend? I mean, I understand it from the gay ’cause so many are helpless when it comes to dick; they’d suck off Hitler if he had a prominent bulge in grey sweatpants. And, actually, to be fair, straight men have morals as deep as a puddle too. But shit, that’s like shagging a family member to me… (Although if it was that one hot cousin that I hardly ever see, who’s to judge).

The fact that this was public knowledge too, and the friends made you feel belittled or betrayed for not being told is also a prominent factor in the anger. NEXT, the idea that he “can’t remember” when he stopped boning his best mate is bullshit. Utter bullshit. Maybe not the exact date, but you’d have a vague idea that’s for sure. My nanna has Alzheimer’s and even she remembers her days of harvesting dick in 1823.

Sorry that you don’t have the ‘honest and open’ relationship you thought; although I wouldn’t say it’s an element of not trusting you, what does he think you’re going to do? Email all the people who already knew? Or put out a public service announcement to a bunch of people who don’t care? The question is: how can you trust him now?

He might have felt you’d judge him, which is a shame, but are you a homophobic bitch? If so, deserved. If not, rage on, sister.

I wouldn’t jump to conclusions about them still bumping uglies, but TRUST me I’d be analysing ever iota of body language. The fact is that now he’s put you in a position where you’re prone to get paranoid, and then when you do, will probably gaslight you, like most straight-identifying men do in an argument.

Explain that you feel hurt and confused by him keeping this lengthy affair from you. As well as this part of his sexuality (unless you knew he swung both ways). Explain that it makes it difficult to trust him. Do all of this calmly, because you don’t want to give him any reason to spin this around like you’re overreacting – another thing men like to do to women.

Beyond that discussion, it’s down to you. If he can rebuild your trust and provide some valid reasons for keeping his bum-buddy a secret, fair enough. If not, then have sex with one of his friends.

Good luck! Xoxo

[OG problem from Slate/Queerty]

 

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