I HAVE been in a gay relationship for four months and asked him if I was number one in his life. He would only say maybe I will be.

Things are going well between us but I have never felt I am his top priority. He says a female friend of his, and I, are equal in his life.

This leaves me full of doubt about whether I am as special to him as he is to me. I am 26, he’s 25 and he’s the first person I truly care for. I want someone who feels the same. Am I overreacting?

Dear Needy,

I wouldn’t say you’re overreacting, per se, but you’re definitely acting more like a lesbian than a gay man right now. It’s been four months babe… I’ve had cheese in the fridge for longer. Hell, there are men out there who’ve stored cheese in their knob for longer. (If you recoiled at that comparison, believe that’s how your man feels when you try and wifey him so soon).

Not only are you probably being an annoying boyfriend, but you’re also a terrible friend; putting some penis you met a few months ago ahead of everybody you’ve known years – glad I’m not a pal that needs a kidney. In fact, it’s brutal truth time – buckle up:

You’re so desperate to be loved, that you’re getting way ahead of yourself. Maybe the relationship will last forever – I hope it does – but then again, maybe it won’t. And who’s gonna go binge-drinking and cock-destroying with you when you’ve alienated all the people who you’ve put lower on a priority list than a man who won’t do the same for you? Nobody. I’ll tell you where I’d be bitch, in the nail salon, laughing at your karmic misery.

It’s truly great that you’ve met someone who you care for, but just because he has reciprocated your eagerness doesn’t mean he doesn’t care you, it just means that he doesn’t throw his feelings around. Although, sidebar: keep your eye on that hag, she could be low-key lusting after his D.

So chill out, have a mimosa, and rather than trying to be each other’s “worlds”, just appreciate where you are right now, and appreciate the fact that you have other people in your life to support you when you’re number 1 does a number 2 all over the relationship.

And say, maybe it’s as simple as him refusing to call you his top priority because you’re the bottom.

Ciao! Xoxo