Now, I don’t want to oversell this, but this was quite possibly the best episode of Naked Attraction ever. This article contains and entire-episode run-through, so if you intend to watch it – just go do it.
First up is Judith; a horn-dog wrapped in a habit. When church belle Judith, 57, isn’t singing praise to the Lord she’s worshipping cock; despite being a self-professed “practising Christian”, we can’t remember which book of the Bible actively encouraged random sex. Can you imagine Mary telling Joseph, “I love to feel someone’s toes wrapped around my pussy”?
Honestly, just picturing the faces of the church congregation as they watch timid Judith size up the lads and boast about needing “8-11 inches” was comedy enough. They gon’ be sending that bitch straight to the confession box when she returns. She even references OG sinners Adam and Eve as inspiration for getting naked… Gurl.
“God, what a cock”, she mutters as she investigates the men’s nether regions. (The Lord’s name in vain; that’s another Our Father, Judith).
She chooses to dismiss the guy with the prosthetic leg, and not shying away from the issue, Judith declares “judging by the length of his left leg” (savage) he’d be too short for her; but actually towers her at 6ft. This is just one of many savageries that Judy delivers throughout the show.
In the next round, determined to rub salt into the Christian wound, Judith belts out hymns while the men windmill their dongs… ah, just like on Palm Sunday. It’s almost as if after surviving cancer, Judith is really determined to stick it to the (big) man by passive-aggressively shitting all over him on national TV.
In the third round, as Judith spearheads her way down a path of puns and innuendos, the men gradually inhibit the anxiety of a baby gazelle before it gets devoured by a lioness. Speaking of devouring, in the following round Judith brings out some cake (actual) for the men to try, and as she shovels it down the first contestant’s throat and informs how she loves a bit of clotted cream in her fanny, it causes him to choke.
Surprisingly, the cock-hungry church-goer ultimately chooses the chap with the chode. And on the date sucks his face off. To say Judith is a maneater is an understatement. But to say she’s an icon is just accurate.
Next, we’ve got Rigby – a hot tub technician from some countryside town – who is attracted to all women; cis, trans, bisexual. And seems to be having a swimming time amidst all that minge, when the faces are revealed and one of them is only Celebrity Big Brother‘s LAUREN HARRIES.
Rigby decides to give her the chop (no pun intended), and she is not impressed. Check out the clip below:
When she says “You’re gonna slap yourself when you realise who I am”, 16-year-old me trying to illegally get into nightclubs felt that.
Yada-yada-yada, then Rigby gets his kit off.