Seen as most of us London gays did an excessive amount of drinking (and some other substances) this weekend, and are now back at work wishing we would spontaneously die at our desk just so we don’t have to finish the day; we decided to provide some handy tips to help you survive your post-pride week. But really these tips can be applied any time you find yourself picking the crusty remnants of a bender out your nostrils.


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And we’re not referring to the bodily kind. It may seem like an obvious one, but if that’s the case, why do you still feel like a raisin in the microwave? Even if you’re drinking water, you’re probably not drinking enough to flush out the heaps of drugs, toxins and semen you’ve ingested over the last 72 hours.

As no doubt, while you were lassoing your jaw around rave and talking complete and utter bollocks to your best friend who you just met in a stranger’s kitchen at 5am, that you were gradually allowing your body to decay into a skeletal state of total dehydration. Something that’s evident as you force out a thick flood of hot Lucozade piss while trying not to pass out.


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While it may seem like a great idea to starve yourself for a few days and then shovel an unholy amount of junk food and processed giblets into your body, we can tell you it’s not. For example, although you probably really want a 20 sharebox of nuggets, which you have no intention of sharing with anyone; the reality is that you’ll probably get through about 4 of those chickeny fuckers before you’re ready to give birth. And yes, there will be labour pains. Although, even if you swap that for a Greek salad, you’ll still end up squirting out a stuttered stream of liquid turd.


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This is perhaps the most important thing to keep your sanity semi-intact. Although, we highly recommend TV over social media; as while it may feel like all you want to do is mindless scroll through Instagram for 14 hours, while melting into your mattress as you flit between a downpour of sweat and an Antarctic shiver, it’s not the healthiest environment for a fragile mind. After all, we all know that at some point you’re inevitably going to end up on your ex’s profile wondering why he didn’t ever really love you, before realising, it’s because you’re an awful person that makes terrible self-destructive decisions, and nobody else likes you either.


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Distracting yourself is all well and good until there’s an ad break, when in-between your promises to never touch another drug again, you’ll be entirely consumed with regret and self-hatred. Getting your mate on the blower can help talk you down off that ledge by reminding you that you’ve actually done a lot worse. Having said that, don’t go seeking sympathy in every Whatsapp group going; ultimately, nobody gives a fuck that you’ve destroyed your mind and body… again.


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Another good way to deweaponize your comedown is to face it head-on; which means acknowledging that for the next couple days, you’re going to be mentally assaulted with flashbacks of stupid things you said, while accumulating a pile of snotty tissues by your bedside. Remembering that what’s done is done and your fantasies of strangling yourself with a USB cord, can offer a similar level of contentment you felt while bumping grotty chems off a drag queen’s fingernail.

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