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Decoding David Boreanaz’s Excitable Sexts

There are a lot of things about David Boreanaz that stick in our mind: that time Sarah Michelle Gellar ate ice cream off his naked body, or, um… OK, so maybe there’s not loads to remember about David Boreanaz apart from his general brooding sex appeal on both Buffy and Angel.

Despite the reports that Boreanaz used to get naked “all the time” on the set of Buffy, the show was frustratingly PG (especially for hormone-driven teens, like the ones depicted in the show).

But here’s something that we definitely won’t forget in a hurry: Boreanaz’s 2010 sexts, as recently re-unearthed by Slate, which he reportedly sent to his mistress Rachel Uchitel. The Bones star clearly had boning in mind.

He wrote:

OMG !!! I can’t wait to FUCK you! I want my puma soooooo bad, you are soooo fucking HOT!!!.

Image result for david boreanaz shirtless

Hm. HOW much of a red FLAG is it, when guys capitalize RANDOM words like Donald TRUMP? Orrrrrr when they extend words like thaaaaat? Or assaulting the punctuation keys!!!!????!!!???!!

It makes them look like they’re either super immature or have learning difficulties.

Also, what in the Hellmouth is a puma? I mean, obviously it’s a pet name, but why does it sound so vulgar in this context? And why a puma of all the pet names? Well, Google will tell you that pumas are “large, secretive, cats” so we’re guessing it’s because she’s his baggy side-pussy.

Well, despite these mind-boggling questions, his assault on the English language, and reports that he was actually texting his mistress when his wife went into labour (which he later owned up and publicly apologised for), Boreanaz will also be an angel in our dreams.

And a devil in our fantasies.

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