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Chicago’s Cook County Prison is 2019’s A-List Hangout

Chicago’s Cook Country Prison had more A-list celebrities inside it this weekend than Lindsay Lohan. Or any ‘hot spot’ in LA for that matter.

Since internet-users realised that both Empire‘s Jussie Smollett and R&B singer R. Kelly were residing inside, County Cook has been named ‘celebrity hangout spot’ by FamousFelony.com. With two high-profile singers already on the guestlist, government officials are expecting millennials to be lining up around the block to get in.

Tiffany, a left-wing barmaid who voted for Trump, told reporters: “Oh my God, I’m so excited to go to County Cook this weekend. Although I heard it’s so exclusive you’ve got to commit a crime just to get in. I’m going to shank my elderly neighbour, I love Ignition”. Tiffany, who’s had fillers in the hopes of being discovered over social media, continued, “Some of my friends refused to come ’cause of stuff they heard on the news, but they’re not woke enough to get that celebrities don’t commit crimes – the media do”.

Although honest commentators of ReviewAShithole.com have condemned the venue, with one furious visitor writing: “County Cook is a dump. Took my girlfriend there last weekend and it’s massively overrated. The DJ is just a fat bloke with a beard banging a metal cup against his cell bars, and the VIP area is R. Kelly eating a sharesize packet of Skips and that dude from Empire crying while punching himself in the face. And the lights went out at 10pm, talk about a shit night”.

Other gossip blogs report that due to the crossover of two such big names under the infamous Chicago jailhouse roof, will lead to a real-life reenactment of the musical, with R. Kelly in a sparkling mini-dress and pussycat wig singing All That Jazz.

*Disclaimer: Please sense the satirical tones of our articles before citing “fake news”… you dumb bitch 

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