This weekend it was announced that American Horror Story queen Jessica Lange WILL return to the new season, Apocalypse in September.
And what better way to raise a (Martini) glass to Lange the legend, than reliving her sassy one-liners and takedowns in scenarios that are entirely relatable.
Me talking to anxiety, my bank account and the mother of all comedowns after my third panic attack of the day :
2. My boss: We’ve got a really busy week ahead, so I’m gonna need you all t-
3. When your quiet friend tells the whores of the group they ate ass last night:
4. When I’ve got plans to wallow in self-pity and carbs and someone tries to make plans with me:
5. When you’re halfway through pre-drinks and realise that you’re probably gonna die tonight:
6. Fuckboy: Hey stranger, long time no see…
7. When the nudes don’t match the reality:
8. Friend: So you wanna share some fries?
9. Me talking to myself after getting stoned and inhaling my entirely daily calorie intake in half an hour:
10. Whenever a level-headed guy with a stable career and good manners tries to approach me:
11. Getting ready for work on Monday after a weekend of hoeing:
12. Me talking to God after he made Sunday the Lord’s Day but also allowed the gays to make it Sunday Funday:
13. When the weed guy says he’ll be “about an hour”:
14. When my friends who used to forward me dick pics are now sending sonograms:
15. When you go to get dicked down but he couldn’t even get it up:
16: Friend: Don’t forget it’s my baby shower this weekend
17. Whenever somebody asks what you’re up to on Valentine’s Day: