Proof that Jessica Lange is the Supreme Bitch we all Aspire to Be

This weekend it was announced that American Horror Story queen Jessica Lange WILL return to the new season, Apocalypse in September. 

And what better way to raise a (Martini) glass to Lange the legend, than reliving her sassy one-liners and takedowns in scenarios that are entirely relatable.

  1. Me talking to anxiety, my bank account and the mother of all comedowns after my third panic attack of the day :
2. My boss: We’ve got a really busy week ahead, so I’m gonna need you all t-
Me:
3. When your quiet friend tells the whores of the group they ate ass last night:
4. When I’ve got plans to wallow in self-pity and carbs and someone tries to make plans with me:
5. When you’re halfway through pre-drinks and realise that you’re probably gonna die tonight:
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6. Fuckboy: Hey stranger, long time no see…
Me:
7. When the nudes don’t match the reality:
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8. Friend: So you wanna share some fries?
Me:
9. Me talking to myself after getting stoned and inhaling my entirely daily calorie intake in half an hour:
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10. Whenever a level-headed guy with a stable career and good manners tries to approach me:
11. Getting ready for work on Monday after a weekend of hoeing:
12. Me talking to God after he made Sunday the Lord’s Day but also allowed the gays to make it Sunday Funday:
13. When the weed guy says he’ll be “about an hour”:
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14. When my friends who used to forward me dick pics are now sending sonograms:
15. When you go to get dicked down but he couldn’t even get it up:
 
16: Friend: Don’t forget it’s my baby shower this weekend 
Me:
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17. Whenever somebody asks what you’re up to on Valentine’s Day:

 

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