The weather is gradually warming up here in the UK, and you know that means the insects will be crawling out of their hiding places… and into your DMs. At least the ones from your dating history.

Having cocktails and cocktalk with a friend of mine the other day, she mentions that a fleeting fancy of hers had squirmed his way into her inbox. Thankfully, that’s the only box he’d wormed his way into. He was a business manager, and they’d dated briefly, while he constantly under-appreciated her, and gave her no reason to stay with him, aside from good dick, a few laughs, and 20% off at Lush cosmetics.

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And while orgasms – and discounted bath bombs – and are all well and good, she deserved to be treated like a princess; especially when the D she was riding belonged to a stable boy.

“To be honest, I had thought about messaging him back, but then I realized he’s such a -“

“Woodlouse!” I interjected.

And though the pair of us had never actually used the term with one another, she cheers my glass, knowing exactly what I meant.

Image result for cute guy texting

The term woodlouse derives from the idiom, to “come crawling out the woodwork,” which simply refers to someone who has been hidden or inactive for a period of time, before suddenly appearing to express an opinion or take advantage of something; like your hole.

We use the word to identify those men who fell off the radar for one reason or another, but have decided to rear their beady eyes and wriggle themselves back into your life. They often announce their return with messages like, “hello stranger” and “long time, how you been?”

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I been getting on with my life and upgrading myself, bitch, where you been? Stuck in an unhappy relationship with a basic bitch who’s more on your level.

Of course, there are men from our pasts that we do want to hear from; those who we mutually let things fizzle out with, those ones who got away, and those ones that make you gush like a rapid river.

But this is merely a label for the no-good ones; as alert to your friends when it’s time to get out the bug spray.