I HAD sex with two escorts in three days – and now I’m worried I’m getting hooked on them. I’m a 25-year-old gay guy and have never had a boyfriend. I’m a computer programmer for a big software company. I work with lots of different people but I never seem to have anyone interested in me.

Everyone is geeky and they’re wrapped up in their work rather than wanting to go out. My friend told me about an escort agency he used. I signed up and went out with my first escort six months ago. 

I’m not fully out yet so it’s nice to spend time with someone sexy. He was 23 and at university and said he was using the money to help with his student loan. We went out for a meal then back to a flat he rented. He offered me a drink but I knew I was paying by the hour so I just said, “Can we have sex, please?” He nodded and we went to his bedroom.

He let me take off his clothes. I stood back and looked at him. I’d never been able to stare at a naked guy in the flesh before. When we had sex, it felt so good. I met him the following week and we had sex again.

I travelled to Holland on a training course for a month after that but I called the agency when I got back. My guy wasn’t available so I booked somebody else and had sex with him. I’ve been doing it every week since but it’s expensive. I’ve tried to find another hobby but I soon get bored and go back to escort guys.

I went with someone at the weekend and then the agency told me the first guy I’d been with was back working, so I booked him for the following night. I don’t really have the money to keep doing this. I’m using my credit cards and I think it’s getting out of control.

Hey Client,

Firstly, take a chill. Having sex with two whores in three days, is like saying you haven’t slept for a whole weekend and now have a drug addiction. Addictions don’t just happen over night, they take work and determination. Don’t dwell too much on the fact that you haven’t bagged a man yet – having the same dick every night is totally overrated! But one thing is fo’ sho’ – y’all not gonna find a husband in the back pages. That’s like looking for diamonds down a toilet drain.

OBVIOUSLY, you’re a computer programmer. I didn’t even need my crystal ball for that one, babe! While it’s hard enough to meet someone as a square, when you’re surrounded by people that have Big Bang Theory on record, it’s definitely harder. But there’s an entire world outside of work and the internet! What about a Star Trek convention or those historic reenactment things where you can dress up like an dwarf and pash-out with a down syndrome chick dressed like Xena? Although if you’re getting love-life recommendations from someone that directs you to hookers, then I’d say you should probably start by finding new friends.

But I must applaud your efficiency. Not even waiting round for some dutch courage; just ‘get your dick out, love, I’m on the clock, here!’ But just to be clear, he didn’t “let” you undress him. That’s what you paid for, honey. You don’t go to McDonald’s, pay for your Big Mac and then get allowed to eat it.

Having not seen a naked guy is obviously a pitfall of only having sex in dark rooms. I’m interested though, when you say you’ve tried other hobbies – have you tried gambling or cocaine? They’re pretty fun too!

It’s convenient to let easy sex obscure your path to love, but at least save your dollar when there’s men who’ll fuck you for free on Grindr. Granted, they’re probably not gonna be a buff broke college frat boy, but at least they’re not just touching you for the wad of cash on the nightstand. And naturally, your wallet will feel the pressure as much as your hoop. Prostitutes are for closeted actors and politicians; you need a poor person’s addiction, like porn or Cheetos.

If you believe to be too far down the brasses rabbit hole, then just think about the embarrassment your family will feel when they come to repossess your possessions ’cause Ricardo needs his tuition money. What’s important to remember is that no matter how these men make you feel, they’re not emotionally invested in you, and ergo will not be sucking your dick when you go bankrupt. And the only thing worse than being lonely – is being broke and lonely! Splash your cash on shit that’ll actually help: self-help books, motivational seminars, a life-coach, plastic surgery!

Good luck papi!