I’m a 20-year-old guy and I was in a relationship with a girl who I thought was amazing. But six months after we started seeing each other, she cheated on me and I ended things. Now she wants us to get back together. I would like that too, but there is one problem.

After we broke up, her uncle – who I work with – took me out for a few drinks and we became mates. He is in his late 40s and in a relationship, although he says it isn’t serious. One night we got chatting and he told me he was bisexual. I was shocked, but then something switched – maybe it was the drink or something, but one thing led to another and we ended up having sex in his van.

I’ve never been into guys before, but we have been seeing each other in secret ever since. My ex really wants us to try again and so do I, but I have also developed feelings for her uncle, who has said he would end things with his girlfriend so we could both move to another city and be together. I’m torn. I’ve never had gay feelings before and it’s confusing.

Dear Torn,

Firstly, get some Anasol on that, pronto. So, let me get this straight (you remember what that is, right?), you were dining with this chick, but she was ordering a side of dick while you’d gone to the bathroom – and now that her passing fancy has passed her tired-ass by, she wants to get back together? That’s a shocker. My initial question to you, is why do you want a cheater back; like, especially when they don’t have a penis?

It sounds to me like you dated a bitch, but what that bitch didn’t bank on – was that she was dating an even bigger bitch. Because in the battle of the bitches; a queen always trumps a princess. I’mma have to ask you to slow down on Keeping Up With The Kardashians – because you just Blac Chyna’d a bitch, and not even for ratings or money.

Although I’m curious as to what exactly “switched”, was it your sexuality? Or his desire to go from ‘friends’ to finger-blasting? How exactly did two seemingly heterosexual workmates go from bar to bumming in 0.5 seconds? No, seriously I wanna know – I need to use it to seduce inebriated ‘straight’ boys out of their clothes. Was it the European backpacking story that Joey taught Rachel? As you state, it could be the alcohol, or, maybe it was your subconscious fantasy to get poled by a white van man. Hey sister, we’ve all been there.

Quick question: Okay, there’s a penis and a vagina in a tent. And it’s on fire. Which do you save?

So, where now? I’m willing to bet that as this is your first gay experience, you’re still naive enough to think that you’ll enjoy the tuna salad as much as the hot dog – and thus your feelings for the wench still linger. But if you get back with her, it’ll be three months down the line and she’ll be knocked up with no idea which baker put the bun in the oven; you’ll be stuck raising the rugrat, when all you wanna do is sniff room odourisers and anonymous sex in a sweaty leather bar.

No, girl. Now is the time to take chances – while you’re young, dumb and sexually confused. The world is your oyster eggplant! Elope with Uncle Fester, and move to a cabin in Montreal. Don’t get me wrong, it probably won’t work out – but at least teach a bitch not to fuck with you and get a regular dicking while you search for your next Sugar Daddy.

Although, considering you work together, I certainly think you should weigh up exactly how much you like the molesting uncle, because you could cry ‘sexual harrassment’, if the settlement is big enough you’d forget them both before the plane even touched down in Bali. Food for thought…

Enjoy Dahhling! xo