Last week we reported on Nick Hawk, the gigolo who insured his junk for a whopping $1 million. We then put the pics of it to you guys, to let you decide for yourselves whether it was worth the money. It was mostly unanimous that it… Was not. No tea, no shade, boo. Well, now he’s been chatting to Cosmopolitan to discuss why he did it. And while you may have thought that his responses would be as deluded as the decision itself – you’d be right.

Here’s some exerts — complete with our commentary, of course. Sorry, not sorry.

Why did you need to insure your penis, especially for $1 million?
Fifty Shades screwed me. Most people are inexperienced [in bondage] and just getting into it, so they’re a little too rough. Everybody wants to beat each other up now, and not everybody knows how to do it effectively. It also doesn’t help that I took on this “bad boy” image, so I decided to get the insurance. We called Lloyds of London first because they were the most well-known one for insuring celebrities’ body parts, but they were not interested.

I mean, can you imagine being that clerk sat in Lloyds, and you’ve got this dickhead saying he wants to insure his run-of-the-mill cock for more than your house is worth. He then goes on to say WHY he didn’t think Lloyds were interested…

Why do you think they weren’t interested?
Business ethics, morals, values, I don’t know. Who knows? They’re probably haters. We found another insurance company though, Geldin insurance. They were cool with it but they weren’t sure what to think of it at first. We actually did an episode of Gigolos around getting the insurance too. It was good TV.

No, you fucking pleb, they’re not haters, they just weren’t going to strike a deal with someone who they thought was mentally unwell. 

How expensive was it?
It wasn’t that bad, because it’s very unlikely that something crazy is going to happen to my penis, but it is a possibility for sure. I’m this big sex symbol now with the sex toy line and the TV show. If anything happened to my penis, that would take a big stab at my career for sure.

“I’m this big sex symbol”… WOW. The only thing big about you, is your head. If only it this career choice had inflated your knob as well as your ego, perhaps it’d be worth a million bucks. And let’s be real, accidental damage would be the ONLY “big stab” going on honey. 

If anything did happen […] to your penis, what would you do for work?
I hope that doesn’t happen. But I also do life coaching and I was an english major, so I might consider getting my masters in psychology and do therapy-type work. I just want to give back as much as I can.

OH STOP THAT SHIT, RIGHT NOW. YOU’RE going to teach psychology. That’s like having a fat personal trainer, or a prostitute teaching chastity. Still, ‘spose it’s better than him being a tattoo artist. 

[H/T: Instinct]