After coming out as gay and splitting with my wife, I have been in contact with a male friend via Facebook and Snapchat. He has a girlfriend, but he keeps sending me provocative messages and photos. How do I respond?

I know his girlfriend too, so it’s all a bit difficult because I do find him attractive. They have no children, so would I be doing wrong by meeting him for a drink? Or should I tell his girlfriend that he has been messaging me?

Dear Fresh Meat,

Bravo on splitting with your wife before you went started sending hole pics on Grindr, unlike your new acquaintance. Usually, I would question exactly how “provocative” these messages were, in case you had misread the signals – like you had your sexuality – but seen as Snapchat is hoe central, I think we can move on.

Let’s establish though, how do you know the girlfriend? Is she a cunt? If so, stop wasting my time and go ravage each other on top of a pile of her ugly clothes. If she’s not, then yes, technically you would be wrong in meeting him for a drink; home-wrecking is still home-wrecking even when there’s no little brats involved. And you may be new to the gay world sister, but we all know what “drinks” leads to; shitty fingernails and guilt.

Furthermore, it’s certain not your place to be telling the chick that her man has a members card for G-A-Y. Half a sentence ago, you were about to sit on his face and call you Sally, now you wanna grass him up to the beard like you’re Saint Bernadette? You just have a textbook case of Angel/Devil syndrome; pretending your a good person deep down, but one sliver of an indication that meeting him is OK, and you’re on the bed spreading your cheeks, with a ball-gag in your mouth. So, I’m telling you no, to both of those things. 

And not just for the sake of other people, but for yourself. Falling for a man that isn’t ready to come out of the closet, is like ordering the soufflé, only for the restaurant to tell you it’s not available. Or getting dragged out of a nightclub cubicle by the toilet attendant before you even got to suck it. So disappointing. Ask yourself, how ‘attractive’ you find him – is he a Paul Walker? Or a Pull-my-cock-for-five-minutes-until-I’m-bored? Regardless, you need to upfront. Tell him you wanna ride him like a magic carpet, but that ain’t gonna happen while his dick still smells of fish. 

Peace out!