I met my husband in college. He was outgoing, handsome and a star athlete. We now have two beautiful babies and, I thought, a perfect marriage. A month ago, we had dinner with a couple we’ve known for years. One of them said something about “bisexuals,” to which I replied, “There is no such thing. You are either gay or straight.” Everyone looked uncomfortable.

The next day, my husband told me that he is bisexual. He said he’d had a relationship with another man in college before he met me. But he reassured me that I had nothing to worry about because he loves me and has no desire to be with anyone else of either sex. 

I wish he’d never told me. I’ve been upset ever since. I believe my husband when he says he is not interested in anyone else, but I have to ask, is there really such a thing as “bisexual”? My sister says that is just what people claim before they come out as gay. And second, how can I trust my husband when he kept this secret from me for so long?

Please don’t suggest counseling. My husband says there is nothing to “change” about him, although he says he will go if I insist. But what if we go and then, just like my sister says, this bisexual stuff is all bogus and he decides he is gay? I don’t want to end our marriage. I just want to turn back the clock so I can think of my husband the way I did before.

– Confused Wife

Hi Confused Wife,

That is certainly an accurate description. I, perhaps, would’ve opted for ‘uneducated’ or ‘dusty’, but yours works too.

It’s sweet that you’ve been with your husband since college – although there’s clearly a few things you don’t learn from higher education. Most people with half a brain would look uncomfortable when somebody blurts out something stupid over the bread-dish. Your views on sexuality should never have been so closed-minded; but perhaps that’s not your fault. Crack a book, dear. Watch Hollyoaks. Turn on the lezza porn. I’d hardly be surprised is your clit swelled up to the size of a King Edward potato at the thought of playing with another punani.

Your unbearable sister was obviously subjected to the same traditional and skewed upbringing as yourself, so her opinion has as much weight as I imagine her lifeless hair.

Fair play to your husband for coming out to you, although arguably this is something that should’ve come up earlier. Perhaps he didn’t feel comfortable discussing the issue with such a rigid bitch, though now feels comfortable enough to mention it – as it is truly in the past – and feels there may not be any harm in trying to open your mind a little.

I’m pretty sure if your husband was eventually going to come out as gay and leave you for a man, he’d have kept the secret quiet, and suggested you hire an underage latino pool boy despite you not having a pool. He could’ve kept it a secret longer, but decided to tell you, even after your disdainful outburst during what should’ve been a lovely dinner. Leave the thickness for the gravy. I’d recommend against applying for Come Dine With Me, you do not have a good chance.

There are hundreds of people in the limelight that are openly bisexual. That have no reason to hide their sexual preferences, and would happily come out as gay if that were the case. The chances of you ending a marriage where the man is already entrapped with two children, is very slim. But it’s also unlikely given he felt comfortable enough to confess his past to you. As for turning back time, honey you got the wrong bitch, you wanna be calling Cher for that shit.

Build a bridge, and pave it with some knowledge, in case one of your beautiful children one day decides to come out as bisexual too.

Ciao! Xoxo