We have the sneaking feeling that Reverend Peter Miqueli will have to do more than a few Hail Marys to receive forgiveness for his multitude of sins. Although if there was a prize for committing a plethora of sins all at once, Miqueli would take the gold. The Rev is being accused by torch-weilding church-goers of having sticky fingers when passed the donation plate. And furthermore, of spending the money on sex toys, drugs and a hot tub (obvs). Like duh, if you’re gonna steal from God, you’re going to hell anyway, so might as well make it worthwhile.

Had Miqueli been thieving for hospital bills of a sick relative or to buy some jazzier Jesus robes, the Lord might hath forgiven him. Anyway, Miqueli apparently had an ongoing relationship with this rent boy Keith Crist, who insisted that the priest call him “Master” (now that’s just a slap to God’s face), and guzzle his piss. Since the allegations, it has come out that Crist’s ex-girlfriend Tatayana (who do you expect your child to date with a name like that?!) had penned an unholy email to Cardinal Timothy Dolan, detailing the sexcapades.

According to NY Post, he had fantasies of being humiliated in front of a “nice Jewish girl”. That’s some damn niche fetish. Let’s call it: Jewishumilaphilia (Jew-ish-humilia-phila). Loves it. In the emails, which were sent to Dolan over the summer, she describes Miqueli as a “toilet slave”. And claims that the reverend was footing the bill for her and Crist’s apartment in East Harlem, that was constantly covered in needles and dildos. Sounds pleasant. They were jacking up on some opiate called Dilaudid.

One parishioner of the Bronx institute, claims that the church are going out their way to protect Miqueli, and that they “suspect a scandal behind a scandal”.

The Archdiocese have ordered an audit on the Parish and are taking the allegations very seriously.