My friend “Marissa” and I have known each other for over 15 years. About five years ago, she started dating this guy, “Tom.” I never particularly cared for him. He knows how close Marissa and I are, yet Tom never made any effort to get to know me. I also got the sense he was gay. He proposed to her and they got married about eight months later.

Last night, Marissa’s little sister called me to tell me that one her friends had found Tom on Grindr. I don’t know what to do. I know I have to tell Marissa, but how? Her sister is only 16, and I feel like it’s my responsibility in this situation to protect her, so the burden really does fall on my shoulders. I don’t want to get too many other people involved, for both of their sakes.

How do I confront him? Or should I skip confronting him and just bring the evidence to her? If so, how do I do that without having her hate me for this? I’m completely devastated for her, but don’t want to be cruel and force him out of the closet. This is definitely a time-sensitive issue, so a speedy response would be appreciated more than you know.

Hi Darls,

You and I both know that Tom never made an effort to get to know you, because you have a vagina. He probably also knew that you’d figured out his sexuality when you’d shout “hey girl! How fierce are these heels?” before kissing him on both cheeks. It’s hardly surprising that the ninny proposed so early, he needed a beard to mask the fact he was sneaking out for sausage buffet with a side of adultery.

You’re right in the fact that it would be better for you to take control of the situation, rather than leaving it to Marissa’s sister. You know what they say; never leave a job to a bitch that hasn’t fucked more men than her age. It’s not about that amateur Tweenie sending her sister a text:

‘Um, btw fink ur bf is fag, but idk’

And I have to ask, what kinda toddler thot is Marissa’s sister knocking about with, that has Grindr at 16? Kids these days should let their balls drop before tea-bagging someone. Anyway, it situations such as, you must always have a back-up, so download Grindr and catfish him into sending some scandalous photos – like ones of him sitting on an aubergine or polishing the purple helmet with Harry Poofter & His Magic Wand on in the background.

This girl is your main chick, right? You’ve known this undercover hoe was packing fudge from day dot, and you’ve known Marissa far longer than that. I get that you’re all about the sisterhood, so what you gonna do when Grindr Gretta over here, starts squirming his way out of it, like the snakes he’s deepthroating at the cruising ground? Evidence. You never know when shit is gonna backfire, girl – especially when you dealing with a closet queen who’s about to be uncovered for all those ‘mayonnaise’ stains down his clothes. That aside, you obvs wanna have a little look too, you little minx.

There’s a number of ways you could approach this. The first as easiest would be to throw a party for Tom’s birthday and hire ‘Tyrone the Trousersnake’ to give him a lap dance and let his rising crotch speak for itself. Or you could just have the DJ drop Single Ladies and watch him uncontrollably lay down the routine. No, but on a serious note, skip the confrontation, he’ll act his way out of that like the musical theatre classes, he totally never took. It’s obviously a position of delicacy, unlike the one’s Tom’s been fantasising about.

Tell Marissa you love her, tell her how much she means to you, and tell her that you will always be there for her no matter what she decides, but that you’ve got something important to tell her. He’ll resent you for it, but he never liked you anyway, babe. *Hairflip*