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I’m a 35 year old single mom. My son turned 15 in January. Last night I was at a party, and a gay friend of mine was showing me some funny messages he got on Grindr. It buzzed a couple times while we were looking at it and I realised I have been hearing those tones in my apartment.

It’s not really a shock to (kind of) find out my son is gay. I’ve kind of had my suspicions. What I don’t know is what to do now. On the one hand, I don’t want to force him to say anything to him until he’s ready, but on the other hand I don’t want him using Grindr (I have nothing against it, I use online dating sites myself, he’s just too young).

I’m going to have to say something about it, but I’d appreciate any advice about how I should go about this.

Hey Bad Mother,

No I’m just kidding, but I like to open with a joke to break the ice. OK, so try not to jump straight into ‘mother-mode’ (I mean, it’s certainly not in your nature); your child is just exploring his sexuality, when we were kids it was more innocently Face Party, or MySpace. That doesn’t mean we didn’t end up with our faces in stranger’s crotches though. Don’t buy any of that, “it’s just chatting”, “it’s just networking” bullshit. It’s a one-way street to icky experiences and regret. Not to mention a pedophile’s paradise. So I suggest just chatting with your son about the dangers of social media.

Now, that’s not to say you should go grabbing him by his peroxide fringe, dragging the little mincer out of the closet, kicking and screaming for Britney to come save him. You should definitely allow him to cause this big colourful parade when he comes out, even know you’ve all known for years. Like you say, you’ve had your “suspicions” – like when he’d drop his textbooks and do the ‘bend and snap ‘to pick them up whenever you have male house guests, I’m sure. So start by keeping the conversation general; perhaps say that you saw a documentary about teenagers meeting people online/on apps, and it ending by them getting AIDs and dying. No, no, just playing dear. Let’s not send the boy into a dead-end straight marriage. Something realistic, like they ended with the teenager gagged like a roast pig on Thanksgiving, with a thick foot-long dildo destroying their rectum.

Honey, you need to scare him with a little brutal truth. Otherwise, the next thing you know he’s being molested by a randy senior citizen just because he threw a few compliments in your son’s direction. Personally, I’d use your friend’s phone to set up a fake profile, lure him into a meet, and then get these burly guys to kidnap him – before jumping out the bushes and shouting at him about his irresponsible actions. Alternatively, clap that underage harlot upside his head and confiscate the phone. He may hate you for a little bit, but he gonna love you later.

Take care Big Momma, do your thang…