*Chuckles into morning tea*. It really is quite amusing, how some of these duds think they’re studs. It’s like a 5 year-old’s scribble of Mr. Potato Head strutting round like he’s the Mona Lisa. Too many pigeons thinking they’re doves. Did y’all forget what Grindr was made for? Local orgasms. That is all. Not finding “Mr. Right” or “friends”. Nope. So if I’m ringing your door bell, it ain’t ’cause I’m looking for a lifetime commitment, hun. So when your local orgasm starts getting a bit above his station, it’s time for a subtle reality check…

Put him in his place

When you first meet a guy, most of us tend to hold back a little; this is so that we’re not judged, or thrown out by the scruff of our cock ring before we’ve jizzed in his chest hair. But, probably more so because, though we know exactly what Grindr is used for, we hold back because that 5% of us that’s still a soppy tart, hopes he’ll be the guy we’ve been waiting for. The second he starts exerting that superior attitude, drop the boy-next-door facade like an atom bomb, and show this queen who’s the real bitch. Reject his banter, disagree with his opinions on things, help yourself to a drink. That thot will lose his footing like a K-hole in a crowded cattle market.

Stay classy

Chances are there’ll be a method to his deluded sense of importance. Chances are, you’ll pick up on this part way through your encounter. Perhaps he’ll boast about his material possessions, maybe he’ll act a bit too chill for his own good or most commonly, he’ll just make you feel inferior. Whatever it is, rise above it. So when he feels it necessary to point out that your nose is big, and all you can think is, like what bitch? Your dick jealous? Bite your tongue. You know if you wanted to terminate a bitch, he’d be hunched in the corner, quivering like a victim of verbal rape; but then you’d be no better than he – and really – who would it benefit?

Get what you came for

We’ve already covered that you didn’t pop round for stale Ryvita and camembert. Make up your mind about him; do you fancy him? Is your urge to ejaculate greater than your urge to bitch-slap his ego back-to-front? If the answers to both of these questions are yes, get him naked and get yourself off, girl. Don’t waste your time with someone that doesn’t deserve it, especially not if they’re still getting your D. At least sexual memories can be repressed, you can’t get back time.

Don’t hang around

You see that point we just made about time? Still true. But, much more than that, you wouldn’t give somebody something they already have too much off. For example, would you ever just give a rich man your hard-earned money? Of course not. Would you ever give Anne Hathaway the phone number for an even worse hairdresser? Not necessary. So don’t even bother giving a narcissistic douche bag any more confidence. And that’s exactly what he’ll get if he thinks you’re lingering around post-coitus to play happy families and snuggle up on his stomach watching Netflix. Grab your jacket the same time as your underwear, wave bye with your spare hand (if you can be bothered), and swiftly close the door behind you with the other. It’s the most efficient way to let him know he didn’t have enough personality to keep you there longer than you’ve spunked in his belly button. Hunty, you got less personality than a tranquilliser dart.

Don’t follow-up

He’ll probably be awaiting your text, something along the lines of how it was nice to meet him and maybe you should do it again sometime. Which, unless he was able to put his ego to one side long enough to be a great fuck (unlikely), you don’t want to do. See it as, he got lucky, you got a slightly more exciting wank, and definitely don’t count the experience as part of your ‘magic number’.