1. Old Compton Street is as close to a runway as most of these queens will get

2. Saying hi to people you’ve met a thousand times, but can’t remember their name is commonplace

3. You can get turned away from G-A-Y Late for being too drunk, even though it was G-A-Y’s cheap drinks that got you messed up in the first place

4. The closure of Lo Profile ruined Friday nights

5. Everyone is looking for a boyfriend

6. Nobody is looking for a boyfriend

7. Thursdays were better than Saturdays when XXTRA, Room Service and Gigilo were battling it out

8. Burgers in Balans at 3am when you’re completely smashed are the best thing ever

9. Bumping into somebody you’ve had sex with in a bar/club is 100% going to happen

10. Bumping into more than one person you’ve had sex with in a bar/club is also highly possible

11. Falling down the stairs at East Bloc happens to the best of us

12. And it happens on more than one occassion

13. Always enter the toilets at the end of Carnaby Street with caution

14. Most of your friends will be club promoters/DJs/dealers/stylists

15. Going out to Gravity could quite easily run into Orange

16. “One drink” will probably end in the Walk Of Shame

17. You need to be drunk to really enjoy the Two Brewers, and it will always end in a foot-long Subway on the way home. It would be KFC, but you’re not ’bout that queueing life

18. No matter how many times you walk past Molly Moggs, you’ll probably still never go inside

19. Everyone has their hair cut at Toppers

20. Or Splash

21. No matter how perfect your man-drag is, by the end of Sink The Pink, you will be a dishevelled mess

22. Walking through Soho during London Pride will take at least an hour

23. Going to Chariots will only ever result in three things; an orgasm, shame and regret

24. Al fresco drinking in Soho Square over summer is absolute peak


25. And if you need a piss, you know that The Edge is always the answer

26. If you use the urinals at Comptons – you will get cruised

27. A night at Heaven doesn’t count as a night out unless you’ve snogged someone in the Departure Lounge

28. Sitting in the waiting area at 56 Dean Street is a perfect time to start making promises to God

29. You need your ID for The Village even if you’re 32

30. A chill out at Heidilicious’ is always a welcome option

31. A slice of pizza from the corner of Old Compton and Wardour Street is the best solution to getting too pissed, too quickly

32. Never queue for a piss in East Bloc when Janesha will let you do it across the road

33. Shagging a bar man means you can’t ever drink in that place again

34. The first time you got papped in QX Magazine you felt like you’d really achieved something with your life

35. Spending a morning/afternoon on Vauxhall Hills is the epitome of trashy, and really something only 20 year-olds can get away with

36. Soho’s Cafe Nero is full of coffee shop pervs leering at muscle Marys mincing past

37. Knowing the right people means you very rarely pay for entry, and can always get guestlist

38. If there’s someone you wanna see perform at Heaven, you have to arrive WAY earlier than you want to

39. And then be prepared to push bitches to get to the front

40. Going to Gran Canaria Pride will involve bumping into basically every twat you know


41. Always hide your drugs again if you go out for a cigarette at XXL

42. Knowing DJs means you can forget about that cloakroom shit

43. Nobody ever left Escape sober

44. Or entered it sober

45. As One In The Park was basically just a field full of your ex-shags

46. Pak’s in Hackney is THE place to buy weave

47.Everyone gets a G-A-Y membership card when they first start going out. After losing the third, it’s pointless replacing it

48. Going to Ku Bar on a first date will probably end in you getting way drunker than anyone should do on a first date

49. Crossing the river for a club night is not the one. Ever. 

50. Every clique think they’re The Plastics, even though they’re more like the Desperate Wannabes

51. Union on a Tuesday morning is never the answer

52. Commuters looking at you in disgust as you stumble around Vauxhall at 8am are totally just jealous

53. Although when you’re commuting at 8am through Vauxhall – how trashy are those bitches?

54. Going under on public transport is basically the worst thing that could ever happen

55.  Don’t go to Dalston Superstore if you suffer with claustrophobia

56. You definitely don’t look as good pole-dancing at Freedom as you think you do

57. Never go to a chill out past Zone 3

58. You’d rather shit in your hands and clap than be in a gay bar when ‘Single Ladies’ comes on

59. Bouncers at gay bars are either your best friend or worst enemy; there is no in between

60. The after-hours club scene shits all over any other city

61. Getting public transport after being awake all night is an absolute life-ruiner

62. EVERYONE had a Room Service photo as their Facebook profile pic back in the day

63. Underwear at Prowler is way overpriced

64. You’re bound to hear “I’ve chatted to him on Grindr” at least once a week

65. Cocktails & Cocktalk is like reading about your life

Speaking of Cocktails & Cocktalk and the London Gay Scene, we’ll be hosting the launch party of Absolut Vodka’s new rainbow bottle over London Pride (28th June), scene queens will know who to message for guestlist.