1. Old Compton Street is as close to a runway as most of these queens will get
2. Saying hi to people you’ve met a thousand times, but can’t remember their name is commonplace
3. You can get turned away from G-A-Y Late for being too drunk, even though it was G-A-Y’s cheap drinks that got you messed up in the first place
4. The closure of Lo Profile ruined Friday nights
5. Everyone is looking for a boyfriend
6. Nobody is looking for a boyfriend
7. Thursdays were better than Saturdays when XXTRA, Room Service and Gigilo were battling it out
8. Burgers in Balans at 3am when you’re completely smashed are the best thing ever
9. Bumping into somebody you’ve had sex with in a bar/club is 100% going to happen
10. Bumping into more than one person you’ve had sex with in a bar/club is also highly possible
11. Falling down the stairs at East Bloc happens to the best of us
12. And it happens on more than one occassion
13. Always enter the toilets at the end of Carnaby Street with caution
14. Most of your friends will be club promoters/DJs/dealers/stylists
15. Going out to Gravity could quite easily run into Orange
16. “One drink” will probably end in the Walk Of Shame
17. You need to be drunk to really enjoy the Two Brewers, and it will always end in a foot-long Subway on the way home. It would be KFC, but you’re not ’bout that queueing life
18. No matter how many times you walk past Molly Moggs, you’ll probably still never go inside
19. Everyone has their hair cut at Toppers
20. Or Splash
21. No matter how perfect your man-drag is, by the end of Sink The Pink, you will be a dishevelled mess
22. Walking through Soho during London Pride will take at least an hour
23. Going to Chariots will only ever result in three things; an orgasm, shame and regret
24. Al fresco drinking in Soho Square over summer is absolute peak
25. And if you need a piss, you know that The Edge is always the answer
26. If you use the urinals at Comptons – you will get cruised
27. A night at Heaven doesn’t count as a night out unless you’ve snogged someone in the Departure Lounge
28. Sitting in the waiting area at 56 Dean Street is a perfect time to start making promises to God
29. You need your ID for The Village even if you’re 32
30. A chill out at Heidilicious’ is always a welcome option
31. A slice of pizza from the corner of Old Compton and Wardour Street is the best solution to getting too pissed, too quickly
32. Never queue for a piss in East Bloc when Janesha will let you do it across the road
33. Shagging a bar man means you can’t ever drink in that place again
34. The first time you got papped in QX Magazine you felt like you’d really achieved something with your life
35. Spending a morning/afternoon on Vauxhall Hills is the epitome of trashy, and really something only 20 year-olds can get away with
36. Soho’s Cafe Nero is full of coffee shop pervs leering at muscle Marys mincing past
37. Knowing the right people means you very rarely pay for entry, and can always get guestlist
38. If there’s someone you wanna see perform at Heaven, you have to arrive WAY earlier than you want to
39. And then be prepared to push bitches to get to the front
40. Going to Gran Canaria Pride will involve bumping into basically every twat you know
41. Always hide your drugs again if you go out for a cigarette at XXL
42. Knowing DJs means you can forget about that cloakroom shit
43. Nobody ever left Escape sober
44. Or entered it sober
45. As One In The Park was basically just a field full of your ex-shags
46. Pak’s in Hackney is THE place to buy weave
47.Everyone gets a G-A-Y membership card when they first start going out. After losing the third, it’s pointless replacing it
48. Going to Ku Bar on a first date will probably end in you getting way drunker than anyone should do on a first date
49. Crossing the river for a club night is not the one. Ever.
50. Every clique think they’re The Plastics, even though they’re more like the Desperate Wannabes
51. Union on a Tuesday morning is never the answer
52. Commuters looking at you in disgust as you stumble around Vauxhall at 8am are totally just jealous
53. Although when you’re commuting at 8am through Vauxhall – how trashy are those bitches?
54. Going under on public transport is basically the worst thing that could ever happen
55. Don’t go to Dalston Superstore if you suffer with claustrophobia
56. You definitely don’t look as good pole-dancing at Freedom as you think you do
57. Never go to a chill out past Zone 3
58. You’d rather shit in your hands and clap than be in a gay bar when ‘Single Ladies’ comes on
59. Bouncers at gay bars are either your best friend or worst enemy; there is no in between
60. The after-hours club scene shits all over any other city
61. Getting public transport after being awake all night is an absolute life-ruiner
62. EVERYONE had a Room Service photo as their Facebook profile pic back in the day
63. Underwear at Prowler is way overpriced
64. You’re bound to hear “I’ve chatted to him on Grindr” at least once a week
65. Cocktails & Cocktalk is like reading about your life
Speaking of Cocktails & Cocktalk and the London Gay Scene, we’ll be hosting the launch party of Absolut Vodka’s new rainbow bottle over London Pride (28th June), scene queens will know who to message for guestlist.
