It’s strange the questions that come into one’s head after a suicide spliff. I mean, so I’m told. Like, how big is space? Or, if Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, how did it fall off? And after spending hours pondering those, I somehow came to ask myself; what would my life look like if I died tomorrow?
You must have looked back generally at your life as a whole; eventful, isn’t it? But what about your sex life? While your autobiography may make for a fascinating piece of writing (or so you think, anyway), how would your sex life read? Would it be a steamy 50 Shades of shagging novel filled with hot lovers and passionate sex? Or is it more of a joke book where the one-nighters are as tragic as the one-liners? More clowns up in your history than Cirque De Soleil.
Can you recall the number of times you’ve had mind-blowing sex on one hand? Yeah, most can. Because to be fair, gay sex is usually quite awkward. Sometimes they have an off-day, sometimes you do. Sometimes it isn’t quite what you hoped it would be. Sometimes it’s messy. Sometimes you’re into different things. Sometimes you’re too drunk. Sometimes you’re not drunk enough. Everybody has completely different turn-ons and without knowing that person, for you to get things just right would be reasonably lucky. Which is why your first time having sex with someone can usually make or break what happens after that.
So as I thought about the mistakes from my teenage years, to the even bigger mistakes in my 20s, I couldn’t help but laugh. Loudly. Spraying my entire bedroom floor with Weetabix. Leaking fibre from my nostrils. But how could I not? It really is quite hilarious. An act that is deemed so personal, intimate and important has realistically, been less than satisfying most of the time. You expect to think, well you know what, if The One comes along tomorrow, it would be fine because you’ve had your fun. But in actual fact, the reality is so far-removed it gave me more jokes than Madonna’s tumble.
Has yours been the picture-perfect catalogue you’d hope for, or is it – between the cringe-worthy Grindr hook ups, saunas, fetish freaks, holiday failures and random mishaps – funnier than you’d care to admit?