Dear Fagony Aunt,
Look, I really can’t understand why everybody wants to talk about me and my child at my husband’s fashion show. I mean, I can, because we’re the world’s most glamorous family, but the way people carry on as though I took South, wait, hold on – what’s her name? Oh right, North – as though I took North to a rock concert. Like, everybody chill, just ‘cause you’re jealous my baby is #FROW. He was supporting his father. And I, my husband. Besides, if my best friends Beyoncé and Anna Wintour didn’t mind, why should the rest of the world?
I think the initial reason people were intrigued by your decision to take North to New York Fashion Week, was because it’s fairly unusual for a baby to have been to more runway shows than play dates. I think they were also surprised that you were interested in fashion seen as you never wear any clothes. But if anything, the public were mainly bemused because they couldn’t quite figure out if North was crying because you were so busy taking selfies that you’d forgotten to feed her, or if she was simply expressing the way Anna Wintour felt inside about Kanye’s collection.
To be honest though, it is a little irresponsible for you to force your child to watch his father’s failure from such a young age. It would be like Denise Richards making Sam or Lola watch Two And Half Men. Children that young can’t even change their own nappy, let alone deal with the shit their parents produce too. As for being the world’s most glamorous family, sister-friend, if you think flaunting your labia and your child like a new pair of earrings is “glamorous”, you’re more deluded than that husband of yours.
You compared taking North to FW to a rock concert. No sweetie, because at a rock concert, screaming would have been appropriate. That poor child just wanted milk, instead you force-fed her ghastly excuses for fashion. And I mean, could you really imagine Beyoncé taking Blu Ivy to a Jay Z concert? It’s marginally different because his music doesn’t suck dick as badly as Kanye’s new line, or you ‘performing’ for Ray J, but you catch my drift.
So in fairness, taking your daughter to watch Mr. West’s debut would be more comparable to taking him to a slaughter house. After all, I’m sure she’d rather watch animals get butchered as opposed to style. Or what about a brothel? Everyone would rather see a pussy get murdered than their father’s career.
Of course, as long as Kanye is married to you and your ever popular punani, it won’t be the end of his career. And as long as you’re married to a man that throws out all your trashy clothes, you’ll probably still have a place on the Front Row. To level up with you though, nobody is jealous that your baby is there. Nobody was bothered about seeing that collection up close. Apparently North West told Harper Beckham she screamed to detract people’s attention from the catwalk. Ouch.
As for Beyoncé and Anna Wintour being unphased by, we have their expressions posted on a mood board in our bedroom, under the title ‘Bitch Face Goals’. Case closed. Put down the asthma pump of attention and treat your child like a human, not a handbag. And that includes leaving her in taxis.