Christmas can be a particularly stressful time, and even more so if you have to spend it with your man’s unbearable family. But, obviously, we have it covered…

The Stiff Upper Lip Father


It’s a typically British father that neither resents nor rejoices the fact that his son is gay, let alone the fact he’s bringing the guy he’s rodgering over for turkey. A feeble attempt at bonding over a sport you know nothing about will do you no favours; although as long as you steer clear of Ru Paul’s Drag Race, gloryholes and that his son enjoys being spanked like a naughty school girl, you should be fine. But to be fair you’ll probably get more interesting conversation from his flatulence. The good news is he gets a little looser after some booze (like father, like son). So keep his whiskey glass full until the gasbag passes out in front of Only Fools And Horses.

 The Overbearing Mother 


She’ll be stressing over the stove like Anna Wintour working on the September Issue, but just allow her this minor bit of relevance. It’s the biggest event in her life since giving birth. Which she’ll remind you that she did do, in case you’d forgotten. No present you buy her will ever be good enough, but better get the old wench some eau de hooker just in case. And don’t forget to compliment her cooking, even if it tastes like Bob Geldolf’s piles.

The Moody Older Sister


She was born first, so obviously thinks she’s the boss. *Rolls eyes* But that doesn’t change the fact she’s got less personality than that paper hat you’re forced to wear. Maybe she should use that University degree to teach herself a thing or two about social interaction.  When she finally tears herself away from that Whatsapp convo she’ll be generally invasive about your private life, so when she asks what grade you graduated with, just ask the tranny where she bought her make-up. #Shutdown

The Brat Little Brother


Yes, he’s a little cunt, but his parents certainly won’t appreciate you battering his face in with the Playstation controller. (Do kids still have those, Playstations?) And even though his bedroom smells like mouldy cum rags and toenails, spending half an hour schooling him at Grand Theft Auto will earn his respect. Not that you need it from a lairy brace-face.

The Foul-Mouthed Nan


We all loved her on Catherine Tate, but in real life she can be harder to stomach than those undercooked brussel sprouts. And not just because her dentures roll across your plate every time she hurls a homophobic slur. But when that old relic starts getting personal, your best bet is to just pass her diabetes a handful of Quality Street

The Drunken Aunty


She’s basically a gay man in Sandra Bernhard’s body, so you’ll love her at first. Until you find out she’s getting more dick than you and earns twice as much being a receptionist.You might be tempted to shove a turkey leg down her throat just to get the bitch to shut the fuck up, but you’d only have to put her in the hymlic manoeuvre, and she’d be hitching up her oxygen-restricting skirt as you did. By the time she’s repeatedly slurring about the married man she blew in Greece and spilling red wine down her sagging cleavage, it’s time to cut that hoe off and call her a taxi.

The Closeted Uncle

Gay dear

It’s December 25th babe, where are you going with that floral shirt? Hawaii? Hmm, more like a Key West Cruise, sister. Still though, bless back-door Diedre being 50-something, single and still telling the family he hasn’t met the right woman yet, sipping on a G&T as her limp wrist almost knocks over the gravy boat. Don’t hesitate in stabbing the gate keeper’s claw with your fork, when it ‘accidentally’ finds its way on to your knee under the table. Avoid mistletoe like Ebola.