Some of you may know Phil Gizzie (Bruno Knight) from his gay porn films, others perhaps from him looking at you like a steaming turd while out in Vauxhall. Still, it seems the popular MenAtPlay star, who got caught smuggling Crystal Meth up his hoop earlier this year, has been sentenced to two years in prison.

I say “popular” because ain’t no wallflower able to carry 1/2 lb gear up their rectum. HALF A POUND? That’s like TWO quarter pounders. Damn girl. On the plus side, if he encounters any foul play in the showers, at least it won’t hurt. Should he notice at all. Although I’ve no doubt he’ll be dropping the soap like it’s scolding iron just to check. Joking babe, but half a pound is a lot.

I’ve seen someone comment on this story saying that some people carry 1/2 lb of fecal matter? Wtf? Well, those people are FULL OF SHIT. Still, I’ve heard the US are crazy on drug smugglers so I think it could have been a lot worse – I heard some queen chatting ’bout how he was gonna 10 years. Wouldn’t wish that on anybody. Well, not many people. But am sure half of London is smirking, muttering some shit about karma…

Clearly they know he’s gay because he’s such a celebrity, so hopefully he’ll get put into that gay ward, ’cause that shit looks like a riot. You’d be making floor length gowns out of your bed sheets and telling bitches “don’t fuck it up” as they sashay between those elegant bunk beds.

Although as for the defence lawyer arguing that he wasn’t a “sophisticated drug dealer”… Erm, no shit Sherlock? Drug dealer or not, ain’t nothing sophisticated about sweating profusely and gurning your tits off through LAX before laying eggs of Crystal Meth in the DEAs office. So future note for smugglers: don’t smoke/snort half your stash before you go mincing into the airport.

Anyway, I do hope that no harm comes to him in prison, and he’ll be out before you know it – and then we get to drag up this mortifying story all over again. Although you know the DEA got a tip off, right? I’d keep a close eye on those “friends” of yours.

And that doesn’t mean fuck them.

Moral of the story: Don’t walk round like you shit glitter, when it’s actual just Crystal.