People You May Know? Don’t you mean People I’ve Almost (If I Haven’t Already) Shagged? Yes, you may have noticed a wave of statuses about how the People You May Know feature is now populated by guys you’ve flirted with on Grindr, sexted on Whatsapp and even been on dates with. How the fuck did Facebook do that? What happened?
There was once a time when that crap was just filled with random hot guys and bitches you’d met once or twice on the scene but already hated. Alas no, there wasn’t some big gay underground conspiracy theory going on – and it didn’t take too long to realise that Facebook was suggesting people from your phonebook.
Still, bit fucking intrusive. Bit like a social media colonoscopy. Don’t get me wrong, it’s definitely fun watching the queens get their heads on a spin about,
a) How this happened
b) Guys knowing more about themselves than they would care to share (myself included)
c) “Relationships” or flings they’d buried, now being hauled up and displayed on their laptop screens
HA! Must be a glitch, so glad I wasn’t one of the people caught up in that one. *wipes brow* I smugly giggled to myself. Or perhaps it was more of a deafening cackle as I read statuses like this:
So I signalled a salute to the heavens. Dodged another bullet. And by bullet, I mean totally awkward circumstances caused by the entire concept of dating/sex. Cut to me picking my jaw up off the floor this morning when I’m casually scrolling down my NewsFeed only to be bombarded by them ALL:
> The one-night stand I’d never spoke to again
> The Israeli I went for dinner with in Miami
> The hot italian who, after a string of pornographic picture exchanges, picked some other queen over me
> The cute lad who I hadn’t got round to going on a date with yet
> And even the non-scene guy I’d had in-depth conversations with for months
And here they were. Facebook was twirling that lone strand of hair and stroking that bit fat wooden spoon of hers. Because it’s not as simple as ‘People You May Know’ – where are all the other people from my phonebook?! No, Facebook is suggesting people you have history with. You can almost here the sarcasm in the words ‘You MAY Know’, before she stage-whispers ‘Or Know A Little Too Well, Bitch’. It’s far more dramatic than, here’s some fags you’ve got friends in common with – it was now bitch-slapping with a list of failed attempts at boyfriends. And that shit makes you wince like a Bank Holiday comedown.
Hold up. If I can see them, that means they can see me. Being in the hospital when I realised this, almost saw me pulling the oxygen mask off my dying nan, just so I could catch a breath. Although after a few seconds I reasoned that she probably does still need it more than me. And then suddenly a few more things fell into place. That’s how my holiday hook up found me. And here was me thinking my blog had ejected me to the stages of international popularity… Fool.
SO, queue the frantic search down ones one profile for any bad angles, photos in drag, trashy check-ins and just general ‘I need to look absolutely perfect’ maintenance. Because when these guys see your profile, you need them to think, damn, did I miss out? Although I swear that’s not why I just changed my profile picture to a half-naked ensemble from Halloween. Honest.
Well played Facebook. Well played. *Shakes fist at sky*