BY Anthony Gilét


1) If you’ve waited ages for this moment…

…it probably won’t be worth it. Sorry sweetie, it’s tougher to hear than the truth about Santa or Jessie J’s latest single, but it has more evidence than the Bible. It goes like this: You meet him at the tender (and twinky) age of about 19 and you’re totally besotted with what can only be described as an Adonis. He makes your mouth fall agape, and that’s when he hasn’t got his dick out. He is, in your eyes, perfection. He makes you say stupid things like “you’ve got a great smile” or “just let me touch it quickly”. **And just as a side-note, should the latter ever come out of your mouth, there are an array of fetish stores that sell muzzles for humans.

Needless to say, “he’s just not that into you”. But why? It can’t be your shiny peroxide hair, the blossoming relationship you have with Vauxhall or the “unique” outfit choices you make, surely? Long and short of it is, you ain’t good enough for him. Or so he would lead you to believe. Cut to four years later when you’ve tamed your trashy side, buffed up and have made head-way in your career. You’ll see him out one night, still attractive, although now the meph-tinted lenses have disappeared, you can clearly see he’s kinda sad and as smart as box of crayons. But you know, you’ve wanted him for so long – and now he finally wants you back; draping himself all over you like some drunk toddler.

So naturally, you forgive his former douche-bag-ness in favour of finally sitting on his annoyingly handsome face. All. That. Waiting… and it was… So… not worth it?! Unfortunately, it’s taken him slobbering over your genitals and horrific bedroom etiquette (he’s 99% likely to be selfish in bed – you know because he’s so hot), to realise what a drip he really is. But at least you learned something… Until the next egotistical Lothario in a string vest and hi tops walks past, anyway.

2) Men lie


And we’re not just talking about the guys that say ‘versatile’ before sitting on the pepper grinder the moment you’ve finished dinner. Nope, they lie about err’ting! That means that his hung dick pic is just good lighting and that the monogamy he promised you doesn’t apply when he’s off his face or in Gran Canaria (and definitely not both). It means he probably won’t call when he says “we should do this again some time”.  And it means if you ever have the dreaded ‘how many people have you slept with’ conversation, both yours and his numbers are likely to magically decrease. **Tip: If you can’t remember, just roll a pair of dice and go with that number. And sure, all of this might sound bleaker than a Monday morning, but being a man – we’re sure you do it too.

3) Sleeping with him on the first date will put him off…


He hasn’t even had to buy you dinner yet, just a few cheap doubles from Ku Bar and you’re already throwing your knickers onto his art deco cabinet. Talk about easy. You’re more generic than his white walled and wooden floored bedroom. No long-term partner ever gives it up that easily, at least wait until date two when you discover his weird obsession with Kylie Minogue before you decide if it’s Love At First Sight (sorry, not sorry).

4) …But so will making him wait


Sure, nobody considers an easy Ellen for marriage material but this is 2014, and if you ain’t fucking on the first date you might as well be making him wait until he retires. Unless you’ve got good banter and great social skills – which, let’s face it, most men don’t have, nor appreciate – why would he wait around when he can get dick at the snap of his belt buckle in certain London venues. In a nutshell, you can’t win.

5) Ugly sex is hot


It’s what Anthony Marentino once told Charlotte in Sex And The City, and when followed by “sex” is the only time the word “ugly” is acceptable. Let’s face it, there’s something appealing about punching below your weight; aside from the fact that you don’t have to tense your stomach muscles through the entire ordeal or that you can sashay into that bedroom like it’s final runway on ANTM, and get as filthy as you like ‘cause you know they’re just appreciating you being there in the first place.

You don’t have to worry about your muffin top when your ankles are by your ears and it doesn’t matter if he has a bigger dick than you because his face looks like the percy uncle in a bad Italian porno. Basically, it’s a confidence boost, and you can act like a slut. More people have had ugly sex than they’d care to admit. Just don’t do it too often ‘cause then you’re just another gay guy with low self-esteem and relationship issues.

6) Sex has consequences


Of course this applies to anybody getting their end away, not just gay men. But we’re not talking run of the mill responsibilities like having a baby. We’re talking about massive repercussions, like bumping into him in Soho Square with that white head simmering on the tip of your nose. Or having to work out how many people you’ve slept with in the last three months when the GUM clinic nurse smugly asks you. Or when a group photo appears on your NewsFeed and you realise you fucked three guys out of one friendship circle. Or your ex joins your gym, and now you suddenly have to find a way to look good while sweating like Katie Hopkins when she see a fat person making a B-line for the seat next to her.

Or the Holy Grail of awkward when somehow two of them are talking to you at the same time in the Later garden. *Prays they don’t ask how you met the other one*

The only solution to this problem is to put a double padlock on your chastity belt or only ever shag people that lives in the suburbs, which c’mon, is not happening until the city gets bombed. Just deal with it.

7) He will talk about it


You know how old women talk about Coronation Street or incontinence while getting their blue rinse, well queers talk about sex over half a whole chicken at Nandos. Hence why it will only be a matter of time before the term ‘cocktalk’ is added to the Oxford Dictionary. Unless, of course, you’ve made him depraved things like cover his cock in clothes pegs, them he’ll probably stay queit. And if you’ve exchanged nudes, he’ll probably show them to his friends too. After all, the fags flock to a dick pic like lions to a dead gazelle.

8) FINALLY! Chances are your cum face is as pretty as Nanny McPhee going under. Just in case you didn’t know.