WORDS: Anthony Gilét

As we get older it’s our duty to pass on our wisdom to the younger generation. Many of them haven’t quite sussed out the club scene just yet, so here’s a few insider tips to what we’ve learned…

Getting in to the VIP

But this club doesn’t have a VIP area? Of course it does! Everybody knows that the ‘medic room’ is just code for a secret VIP area. Although so that nobody gets suspicious of the room’s real identity you have to get completely fucked up on drugs just to get in. Your best bet is to take a dangerous cocktail of whatever you can get your hands on, and run around the club like a troublesome toddler before collapsing on a screaming tranny in the smoking area. Then await ’til they carry you through and you’re seated with the other convulsing, gurning VIPs…


Or better yet, get thrown out. It’s basically the bouncers way of telling you that you’re just too fiercely ratchet for that club and all your fun-having is making the other clubbers jealous. Those basic bitches just two-stepping on the dance floor will never know about the secret VIP area or the satisfaction of being slung unto the pavement at 6am.

Requesting Songs

Being a DJ isn’t like doing a regular office job, they get lonely in that box on their own all night – so you should really go out of your way to make meaningless and irrelevant conversation with them – at least once every 15 minutes. Even if it’s just requesting something by David Guetta…


In fact, the more you lick the DJs arse the more likely they are to become best friends with you and get you in to every bouji event going…


Dancing is an expression. Fact. It’s a reflection of who you are as a person. Don’t be the boring cunt that barely moves… YAWN. Any old lesbian can two-step. Be the one who looks like John Travolta dosed up on Molly…


Better yet, be original and don’t even dance to the beat.


And don’t worry too much if you elbow a few people or knock drinks out of their hands – raves aren’t for personal space – if the pricks wanted peace they could go hang out in a library.



While we’re on the topic of dancing, it can pretty hot in raves but only pussies and priests drink water; get a double Brandy down your neck. By getting drunk, you may be on a completely different ass wave-length to everyone else in the club, but who cares if you’re dribbling down your shirt, treading on people’s feet and less stable than Charlie Sheen? As long as you’re still standing after nine pints, you’re a boss. Go hard or go home, right?

Making friends

The best way to make new friends when out raving is to talk as much shit to as many people as possible. Verbal diarroeah is a quality that most people find endearing and it shows that you’re not too concerned of other people’s opinion.You’re also major interesting, that’s why strangers love to hear all about what dead-end job you do for a living or how you got a £5 off entry because you blew one of the promoters.


If you’re stuck for conversation starters try:

“You got a spare cigarette?”

“Avin’ a good night mate?”

“You got a bump?”

It’s also totally OK to attempt in-depth conversations on the dance floor. It doesn’t matter if they miss the drop as long as they can hear you discussing the negative impact that drugs has had on us as a society.


Definitely try and get with as many people as possible. Nothing screams confidence like getting with half the club, after all putting it about is the best way to get boys to like you.


And don’t try to hide it either, public displays of affection are really romantic and you’ll soon have a reputation for being a real charmer.

And if they’re totally hideous, even better. Sucking faces with someone who looks like they’ve been ravaged by Crystal Meth shows that you’re a realist, and even having them in your company makes you more attractive. Also try and take at least a handful of boys in the toilet with you, all the cool kids have grimy sex on toilet seats covered in piss, and you don’t wanna be the frigid one left out, do you? Besides where’s the fun if you don’t go home with a list of STIs longer than the DJ roster?

The dress code


Raves don’t just happen every week you know, so you should really put the effort in for the occasion. Tell your girl mates to wear ridiculously high stilettos and dresses so tight they can barely breathe; if she doesn’t look like a prostitute from Harlem or have a 50/50 chance of breaking her neck while climbing up on to the podium, she might as well just stay at home.

You’re boy mates should have on pointed shoes and freshly pressed shirts so they can cut a rug without looking like a total knob. Nobody looks smoother in a rave than the guy in the three piece suit and waistcoat. Or why not put on a pair of new trainers – they may get a little scuffed, but nobody like a prissy wanker with fresh white kicks anyway.

If you want to look extra cool, you should wear t-shirts that say things like ‘Eat, Sleep, Rave, Repeat’ or ‘Have You Seen Molly?’


Of course you need to take pics of yourself with your fringe stuck to your forehead and your jaw swinging like Santa Claus in a sex sling. Not to mention your eyes rolling back in your skull. Totes living babe.


Don’t Stop… Ever. 


Raving is life. Only wimps stop partying when they’re “tired”. When did tired ever get you anything in life apart from missing a good night out? If you can’t handle the rave, go to a museum with the other virgins. Even when you’re WAY past your raving days you’ll blend right in, like Teri Hatcher when she stands in a group on 11 year-old boys.

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