BY: Anthony Gilet

Going up: Fucking celebrities…

…Or people that look like them at least. And we’re not talking about kiss ‘n’ tells here. Take Li-Lo for example; this week her list of celebrity conquests was leaked, and you wouldn’t have even known she was banging half the guys on that list. But this is Holborn, not Hollywood and we’re not all as fortunate enough to have such buff A list notches on our bedposts – so it’s perfectly acceptable to rendevous with their look-a-likes. But preferably fit ones, ain’t nobody caring when you tweeting bout fucking Jeremy Clarkson’s double. Amateur.

Going Down: Barmen

Apologies to any bar tenders reading, no offence, you’re just not ‘in’ this week. Of course, it’s totally fine in the moment when you’re plying us with free drinks and bringing together two of our favourite things; toned abs and tequila. But when things don’t go the way we planned, we end up vito-ing our favourite haunts because we don’t wanna bump into you. And besides there’s only so many barmen you can fuck before you have to start drinking in Walkabout. Urgh. Don’t make us do that. The only glorifying thing about seeing you out again is that we look fabulous while you’re hobbling past carrying musty ashtrays. #Winning

Going Up: Comebacks and reinventions

So Cheryl Cole is rumoured to have been paid £1.5 million to return to this year’s X Factor. And recent pictures of her have already shown her sporting a new ‘do and looking fresh; we’ve no doubt that this year we’ll see her fashion choices break through the couture roof. Well, as close to couture as a Geordie can get anyway. So if Miss Cole can do it, and just as our seasons are changing, so can we. The start of Spring is the perfect time for an overhaul. And we’re thinking ‘Rebellious Slut: Summer Style’ – a bit like Ja’mie Private School Girl. Drastic changes in hair cut, richer colours, statement socks, low necklines and an I-might-have-gone-off-the-rails-but-I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude.

Just be careful, you need to do this shit drastically and you need to do it overnight, there’s always a reinventing friend ready to steal your reinvention thunder. That bitch steps out with half a shaved head, six new tattoos, some lipo and collagen, and next thing you know nobody even notices the three inches you had taken off you hair.

Going Down: Groups of European teenagers on public transport

It makes me die when a gaggle of French girls on some school trip are eyeballing my outfit like London is the one that’s backward. Like their not the ones wearing scrunchies and floral blouses and ugly converse. There’s a school of armish lesbians missing their outfits somewhere. I’ve seen the Clapham Tranny in trendier ensembles. Get it together girl. And then they whisper and comment to each other in their native tongue and laugh. But your dressed like something from Recess? It’s confusing/frustrating/comedic. Brace faced bitches.

Going Up: Chicago PD

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwA0obSEfh4&w=560&h=315]

There are a number of reasons to fall in love with NBC Drama Chicago PD. ‘But I’m really not into cop/detective shows’, you might think – neither was I. But not only is the team packing some serious eye candy (Jesse Soffer, Patrick Flueger, and Jason Beghe for those that take a fancy to the older gentleman), but they’re also more like a family than colleagues. These dirty cops are more than happy to bend the rules and take the law into their own hands to look out for each other. They got each others back like Tia and Tamera. And there’s nothing more satisfying that an arsehole getting pounded. Also, One Tree Hill fans will love having Sophia Bush back on their screens.

Going Down: Lena Dunham

Lena Dunham started out as a present day icon, she writes, directs and stars in her own TV show. But I’m so sick of reading interviews about her weight. Firstly, stop praising her as a role model for being chubby. Yes, it’s great that she doesn’t conform to the skeletal look that was once dominating Hollywood (and probably to some extent still does), but it’s not like shaping up a little would hurt her. *Awaits hate mail*
Secondly, there is so much more to her than that, she’s intelligent, endearing and funny – so why are we still talking about her weight?
I’d also like to tune into an episode of Girls without seeing her tits. “But it represents real life” and all that shit, yeah whatever, nobody has their tits out that much in real life. Not even strippers. Get it together girl. Oh, and while we’re dishing it out, her tattoos make me heave. 

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