Going Up: AlunaGeorge
“Everything you exhale is attracting flies…” – What a classy way of saying, “listen bruv, you’re chatting shit yeah”. Loved her on the Disclosure track, but currently love this even more. I sing it in the shower and pretend I’m on the X Factor and the camera cuts to audience members whispering because I’m totally major.
Going Down: Receptionists with diva-tude
Listen sister, I don’t care what problems you’ve got (aside from your attitude) there’s no need to take them out on other people. So kiss ya rassclart teeth again and watch me ram the telephone receiver down your throat. And FYI there’s nothing wrong with my penmanship, they just didn’t teach you how to join up your letters at St. Propecia of Peckham Grammar School.
Going Up: The Mindy Project
This program actually has me speechless at times. While its not always laugh-out-loud funny, it’s just a feel good TV show that can be watched with ease at any time of the day, any day of the week. Mindy Lahara (the writer) is CRAZY talented and her bubbly personality (the character) is totally infectious. She’s like a cross between Carrie Bradshaw and Betty Swarez, although less annoying than both of them. Not annoying at all in fact. I whizzed through the whole first series (21 episodes) in two days – and with the tension building in the series finale it’s much more than just a throwaway US sitcom. New favourite.
Going Down: Disappearing Acts
And no I’m not talking about magic tricks. When a cute guy you met at a party a few weeks back just suddenly deletes his profile (or possibly blocked you), it can leave you kinda jaded. Especially after you were planning a weekend in a hot country with him. With loads of cocktails and very little clothing. Come to think of it, maybe that picture you uploaded of you salontro’ing across a sunbed was less Christina Aguilera Your Body and more Amy Childs orange body.
Going Up: Gay Literature
Having to read ten thousand books for your dissertation is just one of the downsides to doing a degree. But on the plus side it does broaden your scope of things you might not have read before. I was never a fan of the clichéd “coming out” story, but some of the novels I’ve stumbled across are hilarious. I’m currently reading the tale of a promiscuous gold-digger that’s rebuilding his life after his minted lover dies. (S)he’s vapid, shameless and fabulous. Kind of like a gay Tanya Turner.
Going Down: Office Overshares
There’s always one person in the office that shares a little bit too much information. And honestly, it’s usually me. But if you thought telling everyone how you were fondled at Torture Gardens while dressed as a woman was too much information, try having your bosses boss tell you how he’s going to spend a week with a Thai prostitute. No, just no. So many levels of wrong its like the verbal version of a latex all in one paired with a top-knot and kitten heels.
Going Up: *HairFlip*
THROWBACK! Chris Crocker provided some major comedy circa 2010 but it wasn’t the “leave Britney alone!” YouTube video that got our attention. Hairflips are totally back. When that boy you slept with two weeks ago asks how he knows you, *hairflip*. When the two queens at the next table are rolling their eyes because your friends are performing blowjobs on beer bottles in the middle of G-A-Y, *hairflip*. When you wake up with the taste of dirty kebab and mouldy cigarettes coating your tongue, *hairflip*. The *hairflip* is the ultimate way of saying “I’m over it”, without actually saying it; because there’s simply no need. The flick of an invisible weave (because let’s face it we’re not gonna take out a few ratchet hair strands in the middle of a bar and start Willow Smith whipping them) says it all.
Going Down: Blasts from the past
…And not the good ones. I tend to refer to a bad blast from the past as a hit-and-run. Because you’re emotionally knocked down before there’s anything you can do about it. Bumping into someone you had an embarrassing/awkward sexual encounter with years ago when you were a stupid teenager is karmas way of keeping you on your toes. Do you wither up into the foetal position, clutching your winded stomach while pouring vodka down your windpipe through a funnel? Or do you take the high-road. I’ll tell you what to do, you do a mother-fucking *hairflip* (see above) and you take the fucking high road. You approach them, ask them how they are, what they’ve been up to. And when they tell you how their life is still as sad as it was five years ago, that sexual experience is nothing to squirm about. You hold your head high past his vile mate with her HD eyebrows, and you strut like Beyonce’s Crazy In Love.