Going Up: Lycra
Yes. Lycra is going up – on the runways, in the shops and definitely in the bedroom. Not in a Nicki Minaj all-in-one catsuit kinda way, but in a cock-and-arse-half-hanging-out wrestler way. And they are totally flattering to the male form. Maybe we’ll get one for Lovebox.
Going Down: Spit
Seriously, who uses spit instead of lube? This ain’t the 70s and we ain’t in Brokeback Mountain. Sex without lube causes anal fissures and friction burn. And aside from the fact that adult nappy rash is not the way forward (just the way to the GP) – they hurt like fuck. There’s only one white powder we after – and it ain’t Johnson’s.
Going up: Daytime drinking
So, the sun comes out an everybody becomes a goddamn wino. Well let me tell you something part-time lushes, some of us do this all year-round and we don’t feel the need to brag. Your half-arsed attempt at alcoholism is weak, to us that aren’t bound by the judgements that restrict drinking pre-midday anyway. Sun or no sun.
Going Down: Friends on Holiday
We are in April and still getting pissed on (unfortunately not literally) and they’re posting photos of beaches in Japan and breaks in Barcelona. So uncouth. So blocked from the News Feed.
Going Up: Cosmetic surgery
Because nothing makes you feel better about yourself than half a vile of collagen. This may sound extreme but its the perfect achievement to treat yourself with a blowie.
Going Down: Stress
Being one of those people that’s constantly busy gives a lot of us a buzz. And while getting high off the energy of life is healthier than sniffing solvents and plant food – it’s still pretty bad for us. So if you have two jobs, a degree, a blog, your body, your health, your future and a hectic social schedule – make sure you squeeze in that massage. And not the ones with a happy ending.
Going Up: Rap Music
With the likes of Atumpan, Kendrick Lamar and Frank Ocean popping up on the rap scene we’re loving the new school vibe, where not every video has a half-naked big-momma twerking her cellulite on a yacht. Less aggressive rhymes are setting new trends to boot.
Going Down: How I Met Your Mother
Seriously? I mean is this show seriously still on TV? It’s been on for like 15 years. And those children sitting on the sofa listening to this shit haven’t changed outfits once? At first it was intriguing but now it’s drawn out longer than a Mark Wright/Lauren Goodger relationship. Although not quite as badly acted. Close. But not quite. Ted and Robyn are certainly no Ross and Rachel either, but we all know they’ll end up together.