We’re sitting in Costa Coffee sipping on our Red Berry Fruit Coolers (yeah girl, it’s totally summer – didn’t you know?) when two of the world’s most vile specimen (perhaps speci-women is more appropriate) sit behind us. And I’m not saying this to be bitchy, but they were total fraggles. I mean where were they going with their skinny midriffs on show and studs on their jeans? This wasn’t the 90s. It also wasn’t a Toni Braxton music video. The one with more blusher than Lil Kim looked like an amateur drag queen. It was like Christina Aguilera when she first discovered make up. And the heavy eye-liner looked as if she’d been a couple rounds with Chris Brown. As for the other one, he had teeth like the cobbled archways of Vauxhall. He should’ve hung a ‘Mind The Gap’ sign above his mouth. It was like Frank Gallagher and Goldie Looking Chain had let Jessica Simpson give them a makeover and they’d tottered out for coffee to show it off. OK, so maybe I am saying it to be bitchy. Just a little.
Anyway like the lovely people we are, we gave them a courtesy Victoria Grayson smile and continued our discussion about dildos that look like pepper grinders. And they begin their conversation about their BOYFRIENDS. So I was with my BOYFRIEND, and my BOYFRIEND said this. Then me and my BOYFRIEND went here, and my BOYFRIEND said that. What’s new? Nothing, just been hanging out with my BOYFRIEND, talking to my BOYFRIEND, having sex with my BOYFRIEND, been shopping with my BOYFRIEND. Do you have a boyfriend by any chance? OK we get it. Someone loves you. We’re just as shocked as you are. He/she goes on to dither about a weekend they spent visiting his family, and how “it was so lovely to be doing something civilised”.
*cackles like Karen Walker*
Whatever girl. I hope you had fun eating cheese and crackers while changing his nan’s colostomy bag because I had a RIOT noshing off that guy in the alley way by Room Service. You were sucking up to his boring parents and I was sucking off a lawyer. #Winning
They’re the type of people that tend to spend all their time with their new man, and bring him to every social gathering, even though he’s totally out of place, and us singletons feel as though we’ve lost a friend. Cut to the day of their wedding and we’re in the front row wearing a funeral veil. It’s like the old saying goes; there’s a fine line between married and buried. Still, it explains how’ve they’ve pissed their friends off enough for them to let them leave the house like that. The same people also drop the name of their boyfriend unnecessarily, at any given option. Sweetie, you should be spending less time in Costa gossiping, and more time yelling at whichever “hairdresser” made you look like a lesbian. I’ve seen toilet brushes with nicer hair.Being in love creates that complex where you know you’re making everybody around you sick with talking about that person, but you do it anyway.
Relationships, gay or straight, have the ability to move at the speed of light, especially if one, or both of the partners fall hard and easy.
Last week one my friends announced that he’s engaged. Engaged? I didn’t even know she had a man! But they’ve only been dating for six weeks, so most people didn’t. I mean how well can you really know someone in six weeks? I just don’t see the big rush for commitment.
I’ve been single for so long that when I catch up with friends I haven’t seen in a while and they ask, “So are you seeing anyone at the moment?” that when I reply, “Well…”, even the slightest hesitation gets them giddy. I feel like they’re more excited about my own relationship prospects than I am. It literally makes their eyes bulge out of their fucking heads. You would think that I was showing them a treasure chest of gold coins. Or in the case of the gays, a gram. I’m like “bitches, you want something that will really make your eyes pop out your skull?” *dutty wines*
I’ve got no idea why there’s a big rush to spend all your money on a lavish ceremony and throw your social life out the window? I’m sure many people will say that there’s nothing quite like the feeling of being in love. But seven pills and a gram of MD will get you pretty close. And if you’ve got a strong circle of friends then you don’t really crave a BOYFRIEND. If you’ve been with someone for a number of years and are hopelessly in love, I will be more than happy for you (especially if you have a free bar at the reception), but if you’re falling in love with your BOYFRIEND of three days while you’re still only 20 – I’m probably gonna cuss you for leaving us so prematurely. I’m definitely not ditching my friends anytime soon – and those drips and their BOYFRIENDs definitely haven’t changed that.
*Cracks open bottle of rosé*