Known primarily for running his gums when he should be using them. He asks
“Do you like that?”
“Does that feel good?”
“I love you inside me”
“You give such good head”
“Yeah just like that”
Not to mention complimenting every part of your body, every ten seconds.
A chorus of “Oh yeah…”
A verse of “Mmm fuck!”
And then a crescendo of shrieks about coming.
Funnily enough, we HAVE had sex before. It doesn’t need to be narrated for us. It’s always good to have a little encouragement, but don’t go overboard – it just sounds like you’re way more into it that us. Obviously, silent sex can be just as awkward.
When it’s so quiet you can hear the crickets gossiping outside your window, you need to warm up those pipes. Just not so much so, it sounds like a running commentary of a football match.
The Vanilla Guy
The guy that doesn’t wanna hurt you (even a little bit) and is frequently satisfied simply with blowjobs. He’s the guy that goes to restaurants and eats a quarter pounder with a knife and fork. LATER. Sex is like eating a rack of ribs, you can’t be afraid to get dirty (so to speak). If you wanna enjoy the ribs, you gotta get stuck in. And that goes for whoever’s on the platter too.
The Guy That’s Too Dirty
That awkward moment when you’re lying on the bed waiting for him to emerge from the bathroom with condoms and lube and he instead emerges from the dungeon in the basement with a collar and double ended dildo.
And for a couple slight seconds you wonder if you’re gonna be that one in a thousand statistic that turns in to a victim of something from Hostel. This applies for the men that have built in slings and dildo fucking machines in their house – don’t let them convince you for a second it’s exercise equipment. Run, bitch, run!
Chances are if you raided their laptop you’d find prolapse porn and test tubes being pushed down japseyes.
These two are one and the same, both men have a total disconnection from sex. One minute you’re 69ing like it didn’t go out of fashion in the 90s and then you pop to the loo for a slash and he’s asleep. Or worse, gone. At least when they fall asleep you can sit on their chest and wank into their beard as payback.
The leaver, not only leaves you in the wet patch of the bedsheet, but he also leaves you with that awkward moment… Was I bad in bed? Jokes. Of course, I wasn’t. He just had a dentist appointment… At 5.30am on a Sunday…
My personal favourite, he can lead you to some of the most awkward situations. Whether it’s a hot twink hooking up with an older couple that starts squiffing before they’ve even got him out of the car (neck licking and sexual molesting of the driver included) or simply the facial expressions of Heather Trott on a treadmill. Or, in worse cases, Ben Mitchell having a facial seizure.
But the awkward sitch’s don’t end there – dry drug-mouth feels like a sandpaper hand-job. Not to mention limp dicks and getting so high he turns into ‘The Vocalist’. The Narcotic becomes the ultimate harbinger of awkward situations… but on the plus side, at least she brings drugs too.
There’s your warning. If you suspect he falls into one of these ratchet categories, use excuses like:
– I’m allergic to awkward situations
– My therapist has advised that sexual situations with weird people is not good for my mental health.