Or, rather – a ‘How not to…’ guide.
Sex can be a nervous time for some people, they trip over their own tongue and some people get caught up in the moment. I’m all for a bit of encouragement – moan, groan, throw in a compliment here and there, tell them you like their dick, that they have a nice arse, that they have a great body. But beware, being vocal can be totes strange. Here are the top things that men have been said to me in bed, that they probably shouldn’t have – or didn’t really need to; from the complimentary, to the cringe-worthy…

“Nice pubes dude…”
Duh, don’t think I pay to have my ankles by my ears and spread my cheeks in front of a stranger for nothing (unless it’s a Grindr meet, obviously). Still, was weird to hear someone else agree.

“You even have nice eyes when you’re sucking cock…”
So bitch is giving it all her best talent and all your noticing are my eyes?! As If !!

[caressing my tits] “I like your body, l mean I don’t like guys with fit bodies – I like them just normal, like you”
That, bitch, is not a compliment. I’m sure you said it with the best intent, but no “normal” and “not fit” are not attributes I like to associate with myself. Asshole. Maybe that just teaches me not to sleep with men that have the social etiquette of a mouldy sponge.

“Are you taking hormone replacement pills?”
BIBLE. A ‘straight’ guy I fooled around with actually asked me that. Okay, I may have been carrying a little winter weight, but didn’t think my tits were that big. You didn’t hear me cussing your gargantuous bush did you?! Why don’t you check your straggly forest before dolling out the insults. And you may be fit, but still look like a participant from The Jeremy Kyle show. And when I wrote “Love it” on your profile picture, I meant it looks like it’s from Love It Magazine. Fool.

“Yeah, you like that? You want Tom to fuck you with his big cock?”
Erm, no? Funnily enough I don’t wanna get fucked by MY FRIEND. Cretin. Absolute cretin. Tom is one of my sisters – why on earth would I wanna bed my sister?!

“So you wanna be on The Only Way is Essex?! How you gonna convince me to give you the part?”
The story of this ridiculous role-play has already been told on Cocktails and Cocktails, but when writing a list of the most unusual things said to me in bed, how could this not be one of them?! Like, for real – can you hear yourself? Somebody obviously bunked Drama at school.

“Fuck me ’til I spit my guts up”
This wasn’t actually said to me, as was as much in front of me – but girl, I had to include this. Too funny. Bouncing up and down on your current boyfriend (even if it was just high-dry-humping), isn’t exactly the definition of decorum. Although it is the definition of hilarious.

“Er, I just went to the toilet…”
That is NOT what I wanna hear. Especially not when I’ve got my finger in your ass. Tell me you’re a top, tell me you’re a virgin, I don’t care – tell me you don’t even like sex. Don’t tell me I’ve now got your breakfast in my nail beds.

“Do you like my guns?”
No, I like the gun I keep in my bedside drawer. All the better to shoot your meathead with.

“I need to douche. Do you want to join me?”
Why would any body want to see you douche? Although, no lies – I did join him, only because I didn’t know how it was done (this was a while back) – and girl… Cut to me squealing, shrieking and screaming like Paris Hilton trying to milk a cow on The Simple Life. That bitch thought living on a farm was traumatic, try watching a wee Irish leprechaun squatting in his own tub with the shower nozzle up inside him. Oh, and not the mention the nuggets of turd floating around his feet. I was well and truly scared. Whoops, I mean scarred.

“Did you just fart?”
Who, dear? Me, dear? No, dear… I’m a ladeee. One does not pass wind, especially in the presence of others. And even if I did bitch, don’t bring up!! *sulks.