So last week an “art house” music video was released featuring Disturbia dork Shia LaBeouf in the buff. I know this has been out for a few days, I’m not behind, I just don’t know if I classify him as Man Candy.

Let me tell you something about Shia LeBeouf. We were at a five-course castle party last Summer with Darren Criss and Bruno Mars, and while Shawn Pyform (Andrew Van De Camp) was bowling around self-destructingly pounding JD and cokes and Samantha Mumba was pretending she was still famous, Shemale La Beouf swoons over to us (three peroxide bitches) giving it his best charm.

I’ll tell you now, that what comes out of Shia La Poof’s mouth, aside from dribble, is pure TURD. As if he so candidly invited my friend Jenny back to his room. You may be “famous”, but not only did she not recognise you, she didn’t wanna suck your dick either. Dumbass. When celebrities are nowhere attractive, nor talented enough to make them kind of come ons – and get blatantly dashed out by being told “Sorry, I have a boyfriend” by a single white female, it’s not only sad – it’s also quite funny. And with pubes curlier than his perm, it’s advisable that Shia La Rough keep his clothes on and his mouth closed. No hard feeling toots.

Anyway, gossiping aside (as if), I do kinda love the video. Bitches get so tripping they actually think they’re underwater. Fierce.

That’s how you do it bitch. *Files nails.