This week I had a lunch date with my favourite mistresses, and while I love her, I’m assuming there’s quite a few women that don’t.
“Sleeping with married men, there’s no commitment there, I get to see my friends, I haven’t got a care…” but honey, neither has he!

You may be loving your life of luxury; lunching, brunching, f*cking – but what happens when you’re hit by the 194 bus?! (Cos let’s be real, those drivers haven’t got a license, let alone a care) – he won’t be there to hold you! Or what about his wife that gets hit by the 194 bus and he’s in bed with you? My point is; someone is guna get hurt. Whether it’s from the sordid affair or the 194 bus… Only time will tell. This sounds hypocritical considering I’ve been there, but whatevs, here’s my detail…

So I ended up talking to this guy, totes not my type but we seemed to get on well, so thought I’d see where it led. It led… to his bed! The sex was amaze-face to say the least. We had intimacy, we had technique, girl we could’ve had a narrative and an unexpected twist at the end – it was going on! THEN, he tells me he’s in an open relationship? Really? I thought open relationship was just code for open legs on the side. So, I guess monogamy really was dead? I didn’t know the in’s and out’s of the relationship but I bought it for then anyway…
BOUGHT being the operative word. He’s nearly on six figures a year and he won’t even buy his hot f*ck buddy lunch. He once split a bill with me that was £11. ELEVEN POUNDS. BIBLE! Fucking purse strings tighter than an Olivia Newton John catsuit.
Like I may have been his bit of meat on the side (that wasn’t getting any meat on the side) but at least give me credibility for the slab of prime steak I am, opposed to some kebab on a drunken night out.
What I’m trying to say is, if you have a dog – you feed it more than just a bone… The same goes for if you have a bitch.

So while we continue to FB (that’s fuck-buddy, not FaceBook) – I read that he’s married?! I was totally devo’d (for like half a day). Cut to me telling him – ‘I hope you die alone, because you don’t deserve to be loved’ – As if… I had more pride than that. YET, he continued to tell me that their relationship was open, regardless of rings. Really?! That’s the first actual marriage I’ve encountered that followed a ‘whores over husbands’ policy. Or maybe it was ‘cock before commitment’? Well at least they were on good track for the national divorce statistics.

And get this, now they’re adopting a child? Band-aid baby anyone? They were no Angelina and Brad for sure and if they thought a baby would fix all their problems, they’d have to adopt half of Zimbabwe or China (?)
Anyway, I’m sorry his husband can’t turn it out like me and isn’t half as hot… But I’m nobody’s second choice. The message of this lunch date is; don’t be treated like somebody’s cheap whore, unless you are one. And don’t act like a cheap whore when you’re totes hot wife material.