Insecurities are relationship cancer. Fact. With all the talk of fuckboys, and players, and cheaters, insecure men are frequently overlooked. But what you may not realise, is that a man who’s insecure can manifest into any one of these creatures you beat yourself up for falling for.
When we feel insecure, it’s natural to self-sabotage – because when it comes to fight or flight mode, it’s a lot easier for our body to opt for the latter. Just yesterday, a boy I’d matched with on Tinder asked me for more photos, and I considered ignoring him, ’cause in that moment I felt like he might see my pics, and then not respond. And it’s just easier not to deal with rejection, that goes without saying. He ignored me anyway, but that’s not the point – if that’s just mild doubt with someone who I don’t really care about – just imagine what happens when he really likes you.
Self-sabotage: Because we’d rather ruin things ourselves, than have someone else break our heart. You can tell an insecure man that you love him every day, but if he doesn’t love himself you might as well be talking to the the self-checkout. The insecure man needs constant validation; whether that means he spends most of his time taking selfies, in the gym, or in other men’s beds – it’s all about that temporary fix that tells them they’re beautiful, or at the very least, deserving of you.
Suffocation: Insecure men also need reassurance, so you may find your guy starting to smother you slightly. He’ll want to see you every day, want to take priority over your friends and other commitments, or will expect you to be at his beckon call. Honey, if I wanted something needy, I’d date a loaf of bread. From this, it’s quite easy to see how insecurities can evolve rapidly into jealousy; and everybody know that’s not a pretty trait. It’s not healthy to spend so much time together at the start of a relationship, and the only way a man should be draining you – is via your dick.
They’ll put you on a pedestal; A pedestal? Moi? Great! Hmm, not so much. Most people wouldn’t knock having a fella that idealises them, but when your lover sees you as less of an equal and more as a human-form of perfection, all kinds of complications can arise. For a start, they can get turned off when you don’t live up to this picture perfect ideal they’ve constructed, (see: Madonna/Whore complex; where he will only ever want to see you in a certain light; as a virgin, and not the filthy cock-gagging slut you got buried beneath the exterior).
Also the more a guy thinks of you, the more pressure there is on him to keep you interested. Enter, the previously discussed flight mode. Deep down the men we date can be as petrified of messing it up are we are, and when he feels like he’s punching above his weight, he’s on tender hooks waiting for you to change your mind. The higher the pedestal, the further the fall – and guess who’s left bruised? Yep, baby it’s you.
Picture this: By sheer universal miracle, you’re chatting with Ryan Reynolds. Sure, you’d be ecstatic af at first, but if you think about the pressure you’d feel to be the perfect boyfriend because he could have anyone he wanted, it would only be natural to panic. This is a similar feeling insecure men get when they’re with a ‘catch’. Consequently, don’t be surprised if he just wants to bang you and then run away. It’s a bit like a game of Knock Down Ginger, he’ll be all brave to start, but once he’s hit that bell, he’s hiding in the neighbour’s bush.
They put you down. Firstly, they’re allergic to compliments. You can throw on a bomb-ass outfit, and spend hours getting yo’ weave did and he still won’t pipe up. But further than that, if his insecurities are real there’s the possibility he’ll even criticise you because not only does misery love company, it’s also how a twisted ego feeds itself. They struggle taking responsibilities for their actions, so if he owes you an apology, you better get comfortable.
They’re inconsistent — it can often seem like insecure men have split personalities; it’s like who needs a fault hair-dryer when they blow hot and cold so frequently? Insecurity can come and go in waves, so one day he’ll be convincing himself that you’re too good for him, while the next day (especially when inebriated), he thinks he’s Billy Big-Bollocks. It’s natural for him to come on strongly one day, and then he’s colder than an eskimo’s tit; because he’s second-guessed his behaviour and quivered into his shell to build-up his confidence again.
One of the most worst things about dating an insecure man, is that often his insecurities can have him so wrapped up in own thought-process and worrying about his own (perceived) shortcomings, that he doesn’t even notice how his behaviour has affected you. Take his inconsistent behaviour… Naturally your sane mind is doing loops wondering what you’ve done to make him act like this. He might message you a week later and act like nothing has happened, not even considering the mental turmoil he threw you through.
The best thing you can do, depending on how severe their insecurities are, and how negatively they impact you (because, let’s just clear this up, you are the most important person is this new-found relationship), is get rid of them. I’m not knocking anybody for having insecurities, because we’ve all grown up with them – especially in the gay community where we’d all affected by growing up against the social norm – but it’s how people deal with them.
When these issues go unresovled, what you end up with is a three-way relationship; you, him and his issues. And what happens is that his distorted relationship with himself rubs off, and your own self-esteem drops. It may even be that his insecurities, are the direct result of a man that treated him badly, but he doesn’t realise that he’s hurting you in the process. And it’s never OK for a man to damage your confidence, whether he meant to or not. It’s not meant to be offensive, but it’s about protecting yourself – if you wanna help him, maybe send him this…