Safe to say, Maximus should have plenty of back-up when he does get married.

WORDS BY: MAXIMUS CROWN

Don’t you think it’s funny how most people genuinely believe that the advice they give is actually really good. Think about it for a second, have you ever advised a friend on a situation and then later thought to yourself that your two cents wasn’t worth quite as much as you thought it was? If your answer is yes then it can’t have happened more than a few times because when it comes to seeking guidance, people tend to go to the person that they feel would only ever give them advice that they themselves have either put into practice or at the very least has borne witness to its successful application.

Now, I know how this is going to sound but it is an unequivocal fact that I give excellent advice, particularly on the combined subjects of relationships and conflict resolution. Over the past few years I’ve watched how I have basically turned into the couples counselor for pretty much all of my friends. As it stands I am currently the go to guy for no less than 7 couples. On the one hand I don’t mind. I want my friends to be happy and in healthy relationships and if I am the one that they feel most comfortable confiding in then so be it. That’s what friends are for, right? Except, there are a few problems with my current setup;

In the film Mr and Mrs Smith you see both Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie at their marriage counselling session as they air out their rich peoples dirty laundry to a person that we never get to see. Now let’s for one second imagine that the counsellor is Katherine Heigl in the film 27 Dresses.

This is basically me. (Albeit without the hideous wardrobe).

I’ve been single for nearly 6 years now. To paraphrase Charlotte:

…and yet with my lack of experience/ luck/ aptitude, whatever you want to call it my knowledge on the subject of maintaining a healthy relationship appears to be greater than Nigella’s knowledge of what it would take to be a Vauxhall Trashbag.

I’m not complaining about being single. I’ve made my peace with the fact that not just anybody can walk into Hermès and buy a white crocodile skin Birkin bag. I guess the one thing about always being on the shelf is that I’m in a perfect position for observing and subsequently learning. I guess what I’m saying is that people shouldn’t feel down about being single for what could be considered a long time as long as they are using that time constructively. Surely that’s what single life is all about; personal development… and masturbating in front of a mirror… Right?

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